The end of a chapter...

Earlier this week I was presented with the opportunity for new employment at E*Trade Financial. As excited as I was to have received this response, I was also saddened by the implications of moving on.

For the past year and a half, FIS and specifically the Mercury division has been my home. This has been the place where I have grown the most personally and professionally. During my tenure here I've had the opportunity to learn skillsets both in the work place and out. I've broken it off with a fiance of 4 years, and felt the embrace and generosity of others when I was at my lowest. Family comes in many shapes and sizes, many mixtures and combinations, but one constant remains true about true family, true family always lets their love be known. I can honestly say that my time at FIS was never with only coworkers, it was often with family.

At one point, shortly after Whit and I had broken up, I couldn't afford food, I couldn't afford my rent, electric, cable, or dog food. One of my best friends (Who recently called me "The brother she'd always wanted") came into work, laden with food, treats for my pups, and food for them as well. Her generosity was ultimately what enabled me to eat through the desperate month, it allowed me to transition funds I would have required just to sustain life, and allocate them to power and gas.

On another such instance, I had felt particularly down about my abilities to attract a partner. This seems so frivalous, however, at the time it seemed like enough to break me completely. She reassured me that it would be fine, that eventually I would find someone that would perfect for me. These words of reassurance seem insignificant, and slightly ridiculous, but for me, at the time, they were golden.

Indeed, I would not have had this new opportunity if it had not been for the gracious nature of another great friend. It's not like I haven't know him since I was in middle school, but the opportunity to work with him has been quite a blessing. Had it not been for his willingness to spot me some money, to get a couple items paid that I needed, I'd have never been able to take advantage of this.

Though I'm excited to embark on this new adventure, I will truly miss my good friends, and new family when I leave. I wish the whole team the best, and much love.

New Day is a New Time

Yesterday I made my first post in a long long time, granted it was professing my love for a girl I probably will never have the chance I want with, and never get to live out my dreams with, but the post still reminded me that I thuroughly enjoy writing on any subject.

Yesterday I had an experience that made me rethink how much courage I may posess. This girl about which my post was made, came over to the house last night. The point of which was to help me with homework, although it was probably inevitable that we would let the homework be the least important aspect of getting together. We ended up shooting the breeze for hours, discussing her blogging, discussing music, etc. The whole time we're talking I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her how I actually feel. Several opportunities arise, and I coware and shirk away from opening up. I often times have a problem facing situations which may end up being uncomfortable. This was just another one of those situations. What if I tell her and she doesn't reciprocate? What if I tell her and she gets angry? What if I tell her and she laughs? Often focussing on the potential bad more so than the potential good is what causes me to chop myself off at the knees. Why is the prospect of being shot down so damning to me? It's oft said that, "The worst someone can tell you is no." But, it's just that, that is the worst thing that could happen. At least if I never try then I never lose, right? It still feels like I've lost.

I'd love to make a resolution that I won't let this happen again, that I won't let another opportunity go where I allow myself to scare because of the prospect of rejection, but I know myself well enough to know this probably won't happen. My confidence is shot...

What to do?

Wow, its been a long long time since I last posted a blog. Only fitting that I resolve to finally write one when I'm conflicted, which is seemingly the most prevelant time I ever choose to write anything. Looking back at some of my journals throughout the years I only ever seemed to write in them when I had something to complain about, need, or was in distress. This just happens to be no different.

Luckily, there are probably very few who still read this blog considering its been so long since I last posted, and it's lucky for a multitude of reasons, foremost are the reastions I'm sure I'd receive for something like this. Not to say that my post is so profound, but when I already feel like a lunatic, I can only imagine...

Have you ever wanted something you feel like is unobtainable? Have you ever had a yearning that actually hurts you? Have you ever had the same feelings for a person? Of course, it's the natural course that all humans take, eventually you want something you can have, and you "love" someone you just can't grasp.

The timing has never been right, always one step divided, high school-junior high, college-high school, out of touch, come back, she's gone, an ocean away, comes back, feels like an ocean still divides. All I want is for things to finally sall into place, to give a break that so often seemed to be in the inevitable forecast. For the one opportunity, I'd give anything, and make it last forever. For the chance at what was known to me from the first time she was brought over, for the prospects that I've dreamt of, I would do anything.

I know I sound like a lunatic, I prefaced with that. A love sick puppy who can't recognize the futility of its heartache, but somehow I know exactly what the future holds if that opportunity were to arise if only once. There wouldn't be a need for a second chance, I wouldn't let the first get away. Crazy, I know I feel crazy, but I would marry her, make a house where our children know they always have an open door and parents who love unconditionally. The puzzle piece never fit so well, being around her for mear hours and I once again knew that I never wanted to be without her. Time is such a fickle foe, and seemingly always out to work against me! Is it completely irrational to be in love with somebody in this manner? Yes, I know it is, but I am not rational all the time, and I would say there are very few people who are.

I know you have something good going for you, and if you don't want to step away from that I understand, I won't be upset or disgruntled by you in any way. But I can't shirk away from asking you for the opportunity, very few people find their soul mate, and I don't know its a term I even believe in, but I've never felt a more perfect fit for anyone. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day, I pondered about this for the better parts of the last two days, and I knew I needed to at least give you the chance, to give myself the chance, and to give us the chance. I know exactly how it ends up, and to say it is more than I could ever hope for is an understatement.

Cinco De Mayo to Sixo Del Stinko!

Today is Cinco De Mayo, so let me begin by proving my ignorance in saying, I have no idea why we celebrate this day, what it represents, or any significance, however, I can appreciate the 29 cent tacos at Del Taco, the reason to crack open a can of salsa and bag of tortilla chips to prove you're festive, and over indulge in all things Tex Mex. So, Cinco De Mayo, I've celebrated you for years, and tonight I'll drink to the worm in your honor!

In case you were wondering, tomorrow, is not Cinco De Mayo. On the contrary, tomorrow is actually the 6th of May, a day that will forever be celebrated by my mother as the anniversary of the day one of her children proved the critics wrong when they all said, "None of your kids will get married!"! IN YOUR FACE! The golden child rides to victory and ties the knot! Tomorrow will be a day my sister celebrates as the anniversary of her marriage to her husband! Tomorrow will be the day she can always justify sending the kids to bed early for a little "alone time" with her "Gweggy", and forcing him to rub her back, buy her presents they don't have the money for, and eating a whole tub of ice cream worth of dessert because it's a "special" day.

Tomorrow for me, however, represents something entirely different. The littlest (Tied for littlest, she's a twin) sister beats the big brother to the marriage line, little sister once again solidifies big brother as a loss, failure, and all around disappointment. A great way to remind someone that their relationship failed, and that little sister is succeeding where the inadequate older brother could not, is by getting married, especially right after big brother has to move into the newly vacated room in the mother's house left by little sister. I don't even get the worst of it though, the twin has newly founded distain for the other twin by the newly acquired on pour of, "When are you getting married?" "Why aren't you married?" "Your twin is married you know?". I'm worried about the safety of the other, afterall, they did try to kill each other already, granted it was in the womb with an ambilical chord, but murderous tendencies remain forever with twins. Obviously, most of this is in jest, I couldn't be happier for my little sister and I want her to live a full and enjoyable life with her husband.

Happy wedding Mycha, I love you. Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone! Happy Unbelievable Sales Day tequila companies!

Steven OUT!

P.S. You're a bitch if you don't drink the worm.

Serenity now!!!

Finally, I have some time, work has finally calmed down to the point where I am able to do some writing, oh, did I mention it's almost 6 and I'm still here?!?!? It's already been here 11 hours, and by the time I am finished, it will be at least 12! Since coming into the day I was already at 80 hours, all of today, and my minimum of 8 hours tomorrow is straight over time! Sounds awesome, right? NO! I don't care about the money, my mental well-being is horribly shot right now. I am dreading waking up, and putting in the longer days than I anticipate. I get off lucky because my team and the people around me are amazing, but there is still only so much you can take before a mental health day is in order. Oh wait, I can't even take one of those either, because my sister decided a wedding was more important. I'm excited for her to get married, I'm excited for her to have found someone, but man alive I'd rather spend my PTO on something I want to do!

Anyways, the weekend was awesome, I'm ready for another one. Went to a party, and it got me very motivated to get out and go do some more stuff. The bike is a great distraction and hopefully it gives me a point of conversation once I am able to drive it wherever I want. And I should quit my bitching but, whatever, complain if you want!

Steven OUT!

Is Steven Merrill gonna have to slap a...

Alright, look, I'm short, I have a decent sized noggin, and maybe average in attraction, my redeeming qualities are a decent sense of humor, I'm fairly intelligent, and I'm not fat (Notice I didn't say I have abs like Gerard Butler, but rather I'm not fat). So, when I walk into the tanning salon, and you start flirting with me, I know it's not because you've realized my wit or personality before I walked in, and I know you're not really trying to get down with my Brad Pitt good looks. Don't take me for an idiot, I know you're in essence whoring yourself out to get me to buy a package of tanning crap so that your sales numbers look better. Seriously, I'm not scared to ask you out, I'm not scared to present myself open for an evening with you so you could get a chance to see the redeeming qualities I might posses, but don't insult me. If you need to sell your stuff, let me know that you're trying to make a sale, you think I'm an ugly chud, but you need some extra cash, and give me the low down on what the best stuff is. Approach me on a personal level, and I'll respect that, rather than giggling, touching my arm, and "accidentally" bumping into me a gajillion times on my way to my room. Sick of these ladies trying to play me for the fool, I know what your game is, and I know what you do and don't want to go down. You want me to buy your stuff, you don't want me to call you after work, you want me to come in and tan a lot more so I buy a lot more lotion, you don't want me to lotion your shoulders to keep them from burning. I'm no fool, you want me to be that guy you can cry to, hooks you up with a good time when you're down, but not be the guy you take to a party and tell your girlfriend to back up off of! It's funny, I'm not scared of rejection, throw yourself out there enough and you're bound to get one to say yes, but I don't need you to conjure a fake interest in me in order for me to be interested in buying tanning lotion that I need anyways. So to you fake snake BI$%#ES (which by the way, is no one that follows my blog, I love all of you), stop being fake, because when you want to be real, I want to help you more, and when you want a guy who's real, and can spell more than his name, I'm going to be much more willing to give you a shot when you've been straight from the get go.


Steven OUT!

Uh oh, the rabbit laid an egg!

Happy Easter all! Hope its been great so far! Its been great for me thus far, but this blog post isn't about me, it's about the tumultuous Easter experience of one little girl.

You see, this little girl after having been placed in bed lied awake for hours in much anticipation for what she might find in her Easter basket the following morning. After a solid hour to two hours the Easter Bunnies finally showed up, with presents and sweets galore. What the Easter Bunnies did not know, was the little girl was still lying awake in bed doing Yoga stretches because she could not sleep. The bunnies quickly got to their work, filling baskets and eggs, and laughing merrily off of good "spirits". Apparently, these bunnies did not realize just how loud they were being, and that they had inadvertently aroused the curiosity of the little girl, who by now had crept out of bed, down the hall, and was standing in the entrance of the house's living room in horror. The first bunny saw her and gasped, and the other two bunnies promptly jumped up and swept her right back down the hall and into bed. Was I among the "bunnies"? Yup!

Any idea how it feels to know you may have crushed a three years old's Easter spirit? Well, I was the gasping one who also started laughing. Her little face may have well just witnessed a murder for all the horror that was expressed on it. Luckily, she appears to have some short-term memory loss and doesn't seem to remember and is enjoying her Easter nonetheless.

Hope your kids, brothers/sisters, cousins, or whomever you play bunny to didn't see you, and if they did hopefully you get as much enjoyment from crushing childhood dreams as I do! Happy Easter all!

P.S. The views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Easter Bunny or his affiliates, furthermore, this transcript may not be reproduced, copied, or recreated in any form without the express written consent of the Easter Bunny and his affiliates. Additionally, the Easter Bunny and his affiliates ask that you lock your dog in its kennel on Easter, as that vicious Chihuahua bites him all the time.

Actually, I just wanted to say, I wasn't happy about crushing her Easter.

Steven OUT!

What to do?

Alright, I've had enough! I'm sick of not having much to do on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights! I have no idea how people find friends or partners outside of high school or people they've known forever! I mean, the club is not really my scene, but if I have to go to one, I will. I will rove State Street on my bike, and see what I can get to jump on the back, but somehow I don't think that's going to generate the sort of quality I'm looking for in friends. I could go to Piper Down, but if I can't approach anybody it does me very little good. I'm beginning to see why shows like "I Love You Man" are less and less funny and more and more a guide to finding a friend to be your best man, and why more and more people use services like eHarmony, because meeting new people is hard. A. People travel in packs, so going to the club alone, you're going to a hostile environment where cutting through the backs of people pointed at you is nearly impossible. B. People are just as scared as you are towards putting themselves out there and being rejected, so they stick with what they know. With two major contributors factoring against you, it leaves you to find common place with whoever you decide to try and associate with. A few things wrok against me there, A. My work place, which for most people could be a bountiful source of friendship and partner potential is barely more than 20 people, where Jaymes and I are the youngest people by a substantial margine, and have no girls our age, except one who is occupied. B. I don't go to church, so the whole annual meet and greet is not readily available for me in that sense. C. I'm not in school right now, maybe I'll just go hang out on campus and scout the area. In anycase, Friday nights home alone suck, so I really need to figure something out.

April go away, bring May!

I have to say the most disheartening part of living in Utah is the complete lack of mid-temperature seasons! Utah never experiences Spring or Fall, for the most part you're in Hell, or just got teleported to the heart of Antarctica! Even more ridiculous is how one day it's one, and the next day it's the other. Right in time for me to have shelled my layers it starts snowing again, and as soon as I put them on again, it's an inferno.

People who love misery love the middle of the U.S. all the happy people went to the West Coast, all the motivated people went to the East Coast, and all the people who just loved finding new and inovative ways to torture themselves  just gave up and settled in the middle where it sucks! I'm completely convinced that no one ever really wanted to settle here, the Mormons did it because god said so, fine getting away from religious persecution, the Middle is good for that, but why anyone else? Biggest bunch of masicists ever??? I think so! "Listen up everybody! Are we all sufficiently miserable standing in 12 feet of snow at the highest altitude we can find?" *grumble of agreement* "Excellent, then we'll stay here, call it something depressing like 'Denver', and oh by the way, dinner's cancelled until someone rich wants to come here, strap some wood to their feet and fall down these mountains!". Really though, were you just too lazy to go the extra bit to California? Or take a more Southern route when the snow was taller than you were! Which granted, in the 1800s the average height for people was about 3 feet, but still, you'd think that maybe when you're confronted with shear cliff face, a lake filled with salt water, and snow in June you'd decide "Let's just go South!".

I'm excited for the weather to be better, you know why? Because when the weather is better, people look better! Ever notice at the end of a Utah winter people emerge from their huts in this gaunt pasty heap? I'm sure Albinos are always thinking, "Man, they look white!". And people get fatter during the winter in Utah, know why? Because eating takes away the saddness! Why do you think the Osmonds weights all fluctuate so much? Because you don't drink in Utah, and you need something to keep your mind occupied while you chip ice off of your body! Plus, warm weather means much more outdoor fun! Utah definitely knows how to have fun outdoors! Every summer the Provo River is dyed yellow by the massive amounts of unentertained college kids on break, but don't worry, it's not because of pee, they SWEAR!

There are some redeeming qualities about the seasons in Utah, however, Utah has gorgeous girls, and the summer just lets them come out to the open more often.  The Twilight Concert Series, and other outdoor concerts/events  are able to go longer because with only two seasons they tend to last longer. Plus, Utah has some amazing people, and when you're all able to get together it makes for a great atmosphere. Personally, I love the hot weather, nothing's better than surfing a longboard down the University of Utah campus in the summer, climbing Olympus and looking out over the whole valley, or riding a motorcycle up Parleys Canyon in full summer sun.

I really just wish the snow would go away, I love snowboarding and all, but my skin pigment is too close to resembling actual snow for me to be comfortable with, and quite frankly I want to climb a mountain with some friends, or go camping.

Steven OUT!

Rap on the day!

Woke up this morning with a not so pleasant disposition, trying to shake it of, not let my head affect my mission. Stepped out the front door and back into solitary confinement, when you're all alone there's not a situation that the word "solitary" isn't led to define it. Drove up to the building, not wanting to work, came in with a glare and others thought jerked to "Jerk!". My demeanor is bad, my work ethic is poor, I don't want to be here, want to walk back out the door. Forced to move, forced to comply, forced to work, just want to sit and cry. When my house is empty, and I'm again all alone, I'll pull up a chair and talk to myself on the phone. It wasn't this way before, I wasn't alone, and I don't want to be anymore. This funk I'm in, the rut that I've fallen into, isn't worth getting out of, if there's no one to interest you. Were we solitary? What's worth more than monetary? A darlin for me. Made to brighten my day, turn my skies from gray. Give me a sense of purpose, never to hurt us, provide, love, and guide us. When you're the one, you'll know? I surely hope so, but so much is built up by simple twitterpation, obsession, an emotional trap and infatuation! Why isn't there a more straight forward guide, for a straight forward guy, just lookin to help you fly? Be everything that compromises the "apple" of your eye! Anyways, this song just shifted, thinking of you and my spirits just lifted. So ends the song on a happy note, in a resolution, that you're what makes my heart float!

Uh no!

You thought I'd miss a day!?!?! Me!?!?! HA! Yeah right! You know what it was? I was trying to psych you out, make you believe I'd forgotten, but I hadn't and I didn't and I won't! Just wanted to say hey to the everyone who reads my blog, which right now is either one, or no one. Easy to say, I'm on a role! This one is short, just saying hi and love you all for checkin in on me.

Steven Out!

Downer much?

Upon reflection and reading of my previous entries I came to the realization that I have been quite a downer lately! How anyone reads that stuff without getting depressed themselves is beyond me! I mean, yes, my life is going through quite the trying time, and yes, money is tight as usual, but what do I have to be so down about? I have great health, in my opinion I'm starting to resemble Garrard Butler circa 300 when I take my shirt off (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Not really but I can pretend), I'm close with my family, I'm close with one of my oldest and bestest friends who also coincidentally shares my interest, and I have a great amount of opportunity presenting itself to me!

How often do we let the little things break us down? Doesn't it feel like we're often just taking advantage of the good things in our lives, by ignoring them and focussing on the negative? What I don't understand is why with so much to be up beat and happy about, we focus on what's wrong, when it's typically the minority? What I do know is that I can work hard to focus on the good now, I have an opportunity to get back in touch with my family and everything they have going on, I have an opportunity to have an amazing summer even if I only end up becoming a better and closer friend to one of the more amazing people I know, and I have an opportunity to advance my career and skill set. Don't focus on what's bad, there is very little to be gained from self-deprication and a bad mood, but much to be gained by a positive outlook. I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope you all take the time to enjoy your life, busy, and hectic though it may be. Remember, there's always good in even the worst of situations.

Steven OUT!

The nothing of nothingness.

Ever been alone? Almost completely? Ever had the one you planned on spending forever with and your best friend leave you within a month? Ever had to come to the realization that you're virtually alone when it comes to people that you see on a day to day basis, that would have any concept on the inner workings of your heart? Ever had that situation where there's no one around for you to gossip with, for you to vent to, that listens to your story and shares theirs with you? I do. In fact, I'm going through it right now, and I'm coming to the realization that life is hard to live alone. It's lonely, and the emptiness of being alone is dark, and bleak. I have a couple great friends, but they have their lives, and the amount of time I get to see them is rare if ever. The emptiness and loneliness of being 100% alone is at times, seemingly, insurmountable. What a crossroads to be in, where I once spent all my time with someone, while not the best times, was still someone that I was able to spend time with; what I wouldn't give to have that one person to spend all my time with and share everything with. You don't realize what the gap between 0 and 1 really is, until you've had to deal with it. One person, to love, give me purpose, let me take care of them, let me make them happy, and have them know I'm happy simply because they're part of my life.


Steven out

The Grind!

Anyone who's ever worked on meeting a date for software knows the kind of grind it takes to get the software ready for launch. One of the more glorified jobs for nerds everywhere is video game development and programming, what's not know is the amount of work and time it actually takes to develope a video game to the point it can be released, and how little you actually get to just "play games". 80 hours plus a week, time taken from your family, code for the game, code for the tools, code for the networking, infrastructure, network engineering, concept design, engine building, etc. Hundreds of thousands, to quite literally, millions of functions have to be performed in order to produce a product that can be utilized without problem. Typically, however, video games require very little support after their initial launch (although that is becoming less and less true with video games becoming more and more internet driven.), the true grind is for those who not only develope the software they put out, but do daily support as well. Since the beginning of the year, my company has been working dilligently on producing the latest version of our software, and already I've averaged almost 60 hours a week. With Verion 10 (WOO HOO!!!) finally out for client distribution, the grind is expected to be more like 80 hours a week. My grind is only just beginning, and the outlook is seriously daunting! Somehow  my urge to work more than I sleep or enjoy leisure time combined has just never really been there. I firmly believe the grind is going to kill me. If nobody sees a new post from me after three weeks, just start planning my wake.

Steven OUT!

Torn?

Everyone is presented with choices every day, whether to wear this or that, eat breakfast, go to work, etc. The typical technique to determine what one would like to do is typically a cost/return analysis, I hate going to work, but the payoff is better than what I sacrifice. It doesn't take too much time typically, we do it within a matter of mili-seconds usually. How often does it take you hours or days to decide you're going to get in your car and grab a bite to eat? Rarely I'd assume, but I suppose you never know. What happens, however, when you're faced with a more perplexing question that, grape or strawberry jam? What about potentially life changing questions? And what if this question has had a cost/return analysis applied to it a hundred times, and you still have a hard time coming to a definitive conclusion? What if you come to the conclusion that one way might make you exponentially more happy, but it's a lot less likely to go according to plan? I guess I'm at a crossroads where I can sympathize with this sort of situation, and making or committing to a plan is beyond difficult. It makes you want to just remain stagnant, but what would that do? Leave me in the same broken position I'm in right now? Why isn't there a life track? You know, like the little kids' Go Karts at the amusement park, with the track that is impossible to divert from? I wish I'd been set up with one of those for life, I wish I'd be thrown on one course and told I didn't have a choice but follow it. Two ways to happiness following a potentially troubling time, but how to determine which one has the bigger pay off, or is more likely to come to fruition, or is permanent happiness. Quite the qualm I have spinning inside me, it has my stomach in knots and my brain cloudy. I suppose getting through the now is all I can focus on, and everything else will come in turn.

Steven OUT!

Best Buy I'm going to punch you so hard!

A few weeks ago, my dream phone took a dive down three stories worth of stairs, and despite a protective case, and rubber insulator to ease impact, my screen was not match for the force. Luckily, I had the foresight to purchase Best Buy's AMAZING Black Tie Protection Plan! Or so I thought... Turns out, I did buy the plan, it just wasn't so amazing! I was told my phone would need to be sent away, and inspected/repaired. Fine, I can live with that, however, when I inquired about a temporary phone they told me, "You have to pay a $150 deposit". I get that I'd get the money back, but guess what! I don't even have $150 in my account for you to hold. So, I have to go to my AMAZING best buddy Seth and grab an iPhone he had lying around (I know, my friends are great, who just happens to have an extra iPhone laying around? My buddies!) and transfer my SIM card. So, while I was there they told me it'd be three days until my phone was back, unbelievable I know, but they said it, not me. In three days I ventured back to Best Buy, eagerly awaiting the return of my long time friend and most anticipated reunion! I walk to the Geek Squad counter, where I am promptly met with a line that begins to intrude on the appliances section, where I wait over an hour to get to the counter! I had waited patiently, and the very cordial desk attendant was thus forced to meet my patience with the disappointing news that my phone had not reaching the store yet. I was moderately distraught, irate, and in fact saddened, but I was not necessarily shocked, I simply asked the man younger than I, "How long do you think it will be?". His reply had me optimistic, "Within the next couple days, in fact I will call you personally when it is received!". Not pointing out the fact that calling me would be impossible since they had my phone if I had not had such a great friend to lend me his phone, I left with a sense of calm and relieve that my phone would be in my possession shortly. I have called Best Buy everyday for the last three weeks, waiting, fuming, and complaining the time away, and it has still not arrived. I got the phone not for the price, but for the functionality, I enjoy the Android OS, the processor and RAM were all what I wanted, but the price is getting to me the most. A $600 phone, with an additional $200 for the protection plan, and I am out for over three weeks. I always tell my team, under-promise, and over deliver, when you say three days for a resolution, make sure that's the longer end of the spectrum, and deliver a result in 2 days. If you promise 2 days, and deliver in a month, your customer is more upset than if you'd have originally promised a month. Best Buy, for not delivering on time, for constantly wasting my time, and letting me down, I am going to punch you so hard!!! (AND you over charge for any sort of cables, SATA, HDMI, anything! i hated you for that already)

Steven O-U-T-K-A-S-T!

The Audacity of Huge!

Simian Mobile Disco does an amazing song called "Audacity of Huge", and if you've ever been ready to clear a 20 foot kicker, take a 15 foot cliff drop, or just need something to pump you up in general, this is a good one. Fairly trans, disco, electronica but not too hard or guitar reliant for those times when you're not really feeling the mainstream. Anyways, this post wasn't specifically about the song, but a preface to the rest of the post was in order.

Ever notice how we tend to find what works? We'll buy the same brand of underwear, soda, car because they worked for us once, our taste buds, comfort, etc. were stimulated by whatever we purchased. We choose a job type like technology, services, sports, construction because we got into it at one point or another and decided it worked for us. Our relationships even have a tendency to do this, we mingle with certain people, we find what works for them, and we stay in it and in the way that we've found works for us. I've decided something after four years in a relationship where I constantly surpressed my voice, held in feelings, kept communication to a minimum because it was easier, and lied because I didn't want confrontation; I've decided that with my relationships I want that audacity to go huge! To me, this Audacity of Huge song, meant it was time to go big, it was time to have the audacity to go as big as I wanted. Well, now I'm ready to have the "Audacity of Huge" when it comes to my relationships, I'm going to be more open with people, let them know my feelings and not harbor resent. If I think you're a pain in the butt, I want to let it know, because it's not fair to keep it from you, and if I'm madly in love with you, I want to let you know that too rather than chopping myself off at mid-leg. I don't know why people do this to begin with, I guess they're afraid of the immediate let down of fighting with a partner, being rejected, losing their comfortable spot, but in the end doesn't it make things better? Wouldn't you rather share with your friends and loved ones, and have the fleeting moment where the result doesn't quite match, over the big catastrophe that will ensue later? Or begin building your relationship with your partner as soon as possible, rather than drag it out so long that when you finally muster up the courage, they've moved on? I would! I will! Hopefully you will too!


Steven Out!

Work and work... COME ON!!!

So my post yesterday was a little bit shorter than I would have liked, and much more somber. Well, glad I'm done with that, not that the issue is resolved, but I am done with the somber demeanor. I mean, I can only stay down so long, at some point it's important to take what you're given and make the most of it.

Work today has been productive, for whatever reason (could be the extra half hour of sleep I took when I slept until 8:30), I felt extraordinarily motivated. My motivation was primarily due to my want to prove the moronic lady who called my at eleven o'clock at night wrong. Insisting that she had done EVERYTHING our documentation stated was required for installing a new workstation with our software, she was still having problems. I knew precisely what she'd done wrong, and I told her, but she continued to insist I was incorrect. Woke up, bolted into work, and within thirty seconds of arriving I called this thorn in my side of a woman! Needless to say, I was right, she was wrong, and it was not a difficult fix. I guess the most frustrating aspect of that situation was she called me asking for my expertise, and my help, she deferred to me, and still refused to accept the information I was giving her. Why ask if you're not willing to receive? Its been a work and work sort of day, as soon as one item is completed, another is waiting for me to begin. Luckily I still have that productive mentality, but if it starts to fade I may need to be resuscitated!

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Steven Out!

Endurance!

Do I have the endurance? I don't know. The lease is up in 3 months, but with my roommate jumping ship how do I get through that? I don't know. Seems to be an answer I'm coming up with a lot. Why do the most complicated questions inevitably end in "I don't know"? I don't know. I need a get rich quick scheme... What's the reverse of my get poor quick scheme?

Steven Out! (for now)

The music is in overload!

Anyone who has had St Patty's Day around me has come to know my love for Irish Folk and Irish Punk, and of course this year was not an exception. March 1 came, and aside from basketball, and a friend, Irish music was all that was on my mind! Of course, because my addiction was at its peak, I just had to find a way to fuel it, and the gasoline came in form of Dropkick Murphys! Love them, and apparently they love me around St. Patty's Day, because they released their new album for me to listen to virtually every spare second of every day!

There is not just one song right now from the album that has me hooked, I seriously love them all, but considering my emotional state; Peg O' My Heart is not horrible and keeps me entertained in fantasy!

Peg o' my heart
I'll love you don't let us part
I love you
I always knew it would be you
Peg o' my heart

Since I heard your lilting laughter
It's your Irish heart I'm after
Peg o' my heart

Peg o' my heart
Oh Your glances make my heart say
How's chances come be my own
Come make your home in my heart

Peg o' my heart
I'll love you we'll never part
I love you
I always knew it would be you
Peg o' my heart

Since I heard your lilting laughter
It's your Irish heart I'm after
It's your Irish heart I'm after
Peg o' my heart

Peg o' my heart
I'll love you don't let us part
I love you
I always knew it would be you
Peg o' my heart

Since I heard your lilting laughter
It's your Irish heart I'm after
It's your Irish heart I'm after
Peg o' my heart
(X2)

Peg o' my heart
Peg o' my heart
Peg o' my heart

Anyways, if you hate Irish music, sorry, and if you hate Dropkick Murphys, sorry again, but since I have one follower who reads this, I am not too embarrassed to post my obsessions right now!

Steven Out!

The whites are gray!

Ever notice no matter if you just wash your whites with whites, and use bleach, inevitably they still end up gray! I haven't quite figured out how to bypass this conundrum, and it is truly one of the most irritating things I deal with! Honestly, I can keep the same colored shirts for years, but white shirts, replace after 6 months or you have an ugly looking gray shirt!

Ever notice how that's kind of the same way with relationships? Granted, I'm not saying there aren't "white" relationships, but typically the lifecycle of a friendly relationship seems to go: Meet, hit it off, share common ground, become closer, share all your time together, get annoyed, share less time together, focus on differences, and bam, you're in Grayville! Why is that? Why do so many of us either allow ourselves to get close to those that are so different that when those differences manifest themselves it's a relationship ender, or allow ourselves to find petty differences that "gray" our otherwise "white" relationship? I understand that sometimes people have discrepancies, and different ways of accomplishing goals or ambitions, but for the most part, in a relationship your goals and ambitions tend to be the same, so why allow the means to become a conflict? Why allow the way the other half would like to achieve the same goals become such a qualm that it diminishes the quality of the relationship? I guess my goal and hopefully I'm able to persuade others to share, is to focus on the results, what do you want to accomplish in your relationship? What do you want to get out of your partner to be happy? Differences in the result maybe be frustrating trials to overcome at times, but if you can evaluate from an objective standpoint, looking at the end and going in reverse, if both ways leave you happy, why not conceed your way? Why not give a little, to gain a lot? Don't let the relationships go gray when it's not necessary!

Steven out!

Post two...

Post two equates to... Well, not sure yet, but I'm sure something will manifest itself. Guess I could talk about the new music I'm listening too, which is the new Dropkick Murphys album, but that isn't anything amazing, you can listen to if if you want, but I won't lash you for not. I could talk about my conversations with my great friends, but that's really more just them putting my perspective in check. I guess I will just sort of ramble, much as I do normally.

Anyone ever notice that those who are most adamant to remain "drama free" are those that most often perpetuate? In fact, I don't know a person who isn't a gossip, smack talker, or drama queen, that's ever said, "I don't want any drama!". Ironic? Maybe. I just believe that drama might just be a part of natural human life, everyone is involved in spreading it at some point, whether intentionally or no, and everyone is affected in one way or another at some point, and everyone embraces and rejects it at points. I've experienced this lately, I tend to be one of the more drama free people I know, it's not like me to make mountains out of mole hills, and for me most everything is a mole hill. This last week was definitely an exception however, I was not my laid back self, and I made Mount Everest out of an ant hill! Potentially placing me in a very hard spot with two of my best friends indefinitely, compromising my ability to make ends meat monetarily, and obviously putting a damper on my typically high spirits. But some lessons come harder than others, and some senses are hard to find, and in the worst times for you, and in the times where you put on a less than admirable display of yourself, you can learn a great number of things. I've learned through all of this what I believe it means to be an unconditional friend, I've learned that there is something to be said for someone who is good for the sake of being good. I'm a very forgiving person, the Merrill family has taught me how to take things with a light spirit, and that everyone deserves seconds, thirds, fourths, etc chances, even when that often comes at the expense of your own feelings, and putting down your guard to let yourself be a punching bag at times. Maybe I'm flawed, but if I have to be a doormat for people to feel better, if I need to be one that is taken advantage of, then I'm willing, everyone needs a place to wipe their feet after all. I realize that for the most part there should be a point where you don't take the punches from people, where you throw some back, but I always believe that if someone feels like they need to take out whatever it is they're dealing with on you, then they're going through something that you probably do not understand fully, whether it be not understanding how it affects them, or the situation itself. It's much like my philosophy on giving homeless people money; if somebody asks you for your money, they obviously feel like they need it more than you do, and even if 99 out of 100 people use that money to buy something you disapprove of, you've helped at least one person, and you've helped others in the way they feel best suits them, and for being generous just for the sake of being generous, you've elevated yourself into a position where most people wish they could aspire to, but are too bitter, angry, or afraid to do so.

Anyways, that's my poorly written views on... Well whatever that was about. Happy reading all!

Steven out!

The first, hopefully, but potentially the last!

Alright, so I have a friend I've been talking to lately who has a blog, and she writes on it seemingly daily, or close to. I don't know if I will be all that disciplined, because lets face it, I'm just not the disciplined sort of guy, but people are rarely satisfied with the amount I talk to them individually, and are constantly complaining because I don't have the time to catch them up about the current happenings of my life! So this is it, this is my ATTEMPT at finding a way to make my friends and loved ones more easily involved and informed of my life!


The changes! Oh the changes that have happened to me lately! Well, obviously they've been pretty big, and they're taking a long time to get over. When I refer to they, I guess I'm also primarily referring to my break up with my fiance. We broke up after 4 solid years of dating, living together, and virtually being married. As much as it hurts, it's also a time I wouldn't trade for anything, I learned a lot about relationships, my part and deficiencies in them, and what I want from a partner. I'll say this, I will not bad mouth my ex, she is an amazing person, with one of the best spirits I've ever seen, she is very caring and took more abuse than deserved from me. So, if there's someone to be bad mouthed through it all, it's me, but the reasons aren't going on here!

What else though? Lately there hasn't been much change, but there is bound to be some big ones coming up, as I am going to need to find a new place to live when my lease expires. My dogs will be so sad to lose their nice comfy deck that they love to sleep on, when the weather is nice, they hate me when I put them on there and it's cold obviously.

Not a whole lot on the changes front apparently, but that's the life we live for the most part, people try to preserve their sedentary lifestyles as much as possible. Anyways, this was my introductory post to let people know that hopefully there will be more posts in the future. Night all!

Steven out!