Fuck You! :D

The Mountain

Great day today! First off, yeah, I played a bit of hookie. Disapprove? Tough!  Sometimes it's alright to play some hookie, and sometimes it's okay to do it for the sake of taking an enjoyable ride down a mountain at break neck speeds and letting go of gravity by hitting a kicker as fast as you can. The only problem with today? Yeah, my toe is broken and I  still went boarding.

My toe is broken because I was getting some toquitos out of the freezer, and unfortunately when I opened the freezer door, a monster frozen roast fell right on my toe. So, needless to say, going snowboarding today on the broken toe was extremely painful, but once the adrenaline starts pumping, I didn't feel it anyways, I just boarded! Boarding, is an amazing escape for me. Being alone on a silent forested mountain, with fresh powder and no one around gives me a chance to just glide and fly, and leave all the bull shit of the rest of my life behind me.

If you've never been snowboarding, I suggest you give it a try if it's something that appeals at all to you, but more importantly, find your "snowboarding" What do you do that lets your mind be completely free, if only for a little while? It's important to find out escapes, and figure out what allows us to get away from the grind, if only for a minute. Most people know mine, working out, snowboarding, and football. I typically try to be a giving, and accommodating person, and while I do enjoy that, there are times when the demand of that and work and myself make it absolutely essential to take a timeout for myself.

Lately I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster, on several fronts. Dealing with family issues that haven't ever been encountered by me or my family. Dealing with a new job and getting used to that. Having one of my best friends find a girlfriend he spends so much time with that I now rarely see him. And of course my girl issues, being stuck in limbo with a girl I am crazy for, and knowing will potentially end up bad for me. I know, none of it sounds like a lot, and in fact, it probably isn't, but it does weigh on me, and unfortunately, I do not cope the best with stress. I have a nasty knack for getting depressed and just shutting down from the stress overload, but my escapes have helped me. Today, was especially great for that. I feel recharged, I feel like launching off those kickers just left a lot of my uneasiness behind, and that no matter what, worst case scenario, I always have the option to make myself happy by hitting the mountain, and none of those concerns, can take that away.


Hope you all had a good day too! I'm off to eat some Sush and chill with good friends, maybe you're even one of them!

Christmas

Ever notice how much Christmas stresses the fuck out of people? Seriously, people freak out when it comes to Christmas. Did I get something for everyone in my life? Am I getting everything I want? Who loves me? Who needs me to love them? Presents presents presents! CHILL THE FUCK OUT PEOPLE!

Guys and gals, it's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be about loving others and giving a bit of yourselves. My buddy Seth showed quite a bit of selflessness, he received an unexpected Christmas bonus from his work. Seth could have done quite a bit with his bonus, but his first thought was to use the whole thing and buy his friends Christmas presents. It was very touching when he came over and told me he had my gift, and had spent a lot of time and effort finding the perfect one for me. I'm very lucky, I have a lot of selfless people in my life. They're all great influences and stand as great examples on how to be a better person.

Ah yeah!

So, a couple big things happening now pertaining to my new job. A. I've filed my U4 and gotten everything going in terms of getting registered and ready to actually begin performing the functions of my job. Which in case you didn't know, is AWESOME! It means I will start making the money that I want to, sooner, rather than later!

The second awesome thing that happened was a buddy of mine from Etrade, interviewed and was immediately asked to fill out pre-hire paperwork. This is a great sign, and honestly, from the people I've worked with, he deserves the step up more than just about anyone. I'm excited at the prospect of him getting the job, it'll be nice to have a friendly face around, and the $5000.00 bonus I get if he stays 6 months makes it enticing too.

Outside of that, I've been managing to keep busy. As virtually everyone knows, it's typically through the gym. Lately also been through Erin and assisting her with whatever she needs, which is typically school stuff, or getting to school! I joked with her that she must be the most productive person ever, and through attrition, I've become the second most productive person ever.

We did something very amazing yesterday though. A lot of times, it's easy to forget how fortunate we all are, and how much we take advantage of the everyday items in our lives. So, yesterday Erin and I bought Christmas for a Sub for Santa kid we signed up for. It was largely easy to do, I mean, I'm mostly still a 12 year old boy myself, so shopping for me, wasn't overly difficult. We got him EVERYTHING on his list, the skateboard, snow boots, clothes, bike stuff, Halo 4, and all the other shit that 12 year old boys want... Maybe minus the porn. As we were shopping, I initially was somewhat reserved and reluctant, I mean, the email did say we didn't need to buy him everything on the list. But, Erin was determined to get him everything he needed, and had obviously asked for because it was a need, and then ensure his Christmas was amazing, by getting him the things he wanted.

I noticed as we kept shopping and picking things up, I kept enjoying it more, and kept wanting to give more myself. Not only did we get him everything on the list, but we found out our Sub for Santa, had a brother, and Erin, being the kind of person she is, instantly thought of trying to provide the brother gifts, even though he'd been Subbed for as well. Her fear, "Well maybe he won't get as much as we got ours." It's hard not to admire that, and the sense of gratification I got from buying this boy Christmas, was almost enough to make the whole Christmas thing worth it again.

I'm hoping to make this a tradition, and emplore anyone who can, to look outward, and become grateful for what you have, after giving to someone who has so much less.

Ugh!!!

Started a new job this week all, and let me tell you, it is awesome! Super stressful right now, and honestly, I've had multiple bloody noses just about everyday since I started, which I've been told is probably caused by my stress. All in all, however, this job is awesome! It is fairly cushy with the opportunity to make a lot more money than I ever really thought I would, or at least anytime before I was 35+. It is very gratifying to know I'm now in a position where a sustainable, and lucritive career is possible. As awesome as everything is right now, it is seriously stressful. The new job is always a bit of added stress, no matter how smooth or easy the transition is, there's always getting to know new people, and getting used to a new setup, systems, protocols, etc.

Additionally, right now I've been hanging out with Erin just about everyday, which is great, but I'm in such a feelings limbo right now, it's crazy. Unfortunately, she leaves to Hawaii next week, and I'm not going to see her for a while. So, I can't do much of anything about it. Ugh!!! This is the worst state ever! I got asked out at the gym two or three days ago, and said no. Know why? Because I don't really care what propositions I get, I don't want to jeopardize my chances. I have a goal, I know what I want, if I fail, so be it, but before I look to anything else, I want to know if I failed, or succeeded first. To add on to all of that, I constantly panic, and second guess any chance of success, which only makes me more anxious! Oh well. What can you do?

So, I'm sitting in limbo with my job right now, and my personal life, and unfortunately, answers and productivity seem to be destined to require waiting until January. Hope things are awesome for everyone... Even if they're not, hopefully you know eh? :D

Sad day!

Its been a sad day today, as one of my Middle School teachers was hit and killed by a hit and run car driver.  His name was Randy Treglown, and he routinely ran to the school in the mornings. He was running this morning and about a block before he would have been to school, running with the crosswalk, he was hit and taken. It's a terrible day when a father or mother is taken from their family, it's even worse when they're a great parent, and a great teacher. Mr. Treglown always encouraged me to train hard, and to persevere. He was a great person, and I know the world is a worse place without him.


Additionally, today I'm struggling with what to do with a certain person I'm interested in...

My Mind Doesn't Work

I think I need some Adderrall... I've been trying to help a friend of mine study for tests she has coming up for the end of the semester, and I'm sure I have ADD. My attention span seems to be decreasing the older I get, and not increasing. I'm terrible about staying on point and getting things done. It probably doesn't help that she's gorgeous, and I'm obviously crazy for her, but still.

Even alone, I tried putting on music and get going on some reading and writing. I found music with words inevitably detracts from my ability to focus. And dubstep or techno makes me neurotic. So, of course I ended up going with the Old Faithful of my listening stations, which is my Lord of the Rings soundtrack station! I know, this is so incredibly nerdy, but it is so relaxing and able to keep me focused. If I can just keep this focus and see this through, we may make sure she passes this semester yet.

I had an amazing day... I couldn't be happier.

Pet Peeve!

Alright, I'm taking a moment to vent about on of my biggest pet peeves. I can't stand when people try to one up you with how hard something is, or complain to you that something is soooooo much harder than anything you might have going on in your life, and they can't do anything because you don't even understand how difficult their school, or work, or making of assless chaps is!!!

Here's the thing, lets take a look at a hypothetical friend of mine. We've tried to coerce him out of his house about a billion times, and everytime it's, "I can't, I have to write a paper. I'm being a dick because you don't understand how demanding my communications classes are." LISTEN SHIT LORD! I've had enough. For every asshole who complains about working 45 hours a week, there's a single mother working 80.  For every senseless son of a bitch saying they can't work because they're in nursing school (Dig!), there's someone else working two jobs and doing it, and for every girl doing law school at BYU with a husband who makes good money there's someone doing law school and working 40 hours a week. So, don't tell me you're shit is too monumental to handle, because there's always someone doing the same thing and handling it better than you, and finding time for the people they care about.

I hate it when people start comparing degrees, and even though I love my best friend's wife, she had a nasty knack for doing this too. Where she'd say, "Oh, I can't do such and such because Chemistry is such a hard degree." Listen, I get it's difficult to multitask, but Chemistry is not infinitely more difficult, if it is more difficult at all, than Computer Engineering, and yet, I manage to find time to enjoy others company. I HATE when people try to compare degrees and promote theirs as the most difficult thing anyone could possibly ever do, and no one can possibly fathom how difficult it is. I took the Series 7, had Finals the same time, and still found time for people, and I wouldn't even claim that's the most difficult schedule one could have!

I know a girl who is in school right now, and used to work like 80 hours a week herself, and still found time to do photo shoots, hang out with her peeps, and play the piano. I have a mother who worked full time, got her Masters, had four kids, a husband, and still managed to find time to cook Sunday dinner and watch a movie with her kids. Don't tell me your schedule is just sooooo demanding it would be absolutely impossible to do anything outside of sit in your house alone! I know otherwise!

Sorry... That's my pet peeve. You are not special or unique in what you're going through at any given moment, for everything you have, there's always someone going through something worse or more demanding. It has to do with motivation, and your want to make time for the people who care about you. I love my people, especially those who make time in their busy schedules to chill with someone who just wants to spend time in their company. Whether that's an Aunt who volunteers for almost everything her kids are involved with, works full time, and has her kids to tend to. Or an amazing girl, who amidst her 16 credit hours, countless mounds of homework, photo shoots, her family, etc still wants to hang out on a Sunday morning. I guess that's what makes productive people great. They're motivated without being neglectful.

Something different

So, I haven't posted on here in forever, especially in any form other than to clear my head on this situation. Which, to me, is a good reason to post, and allows me to clear my head, but is not the only thing going on in my life, and definitely not the only thing worth writing home about.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that working out is important to me. It's rare, if ever, I miss a day. Rarer still is when I miss multiple days. Its become almost a drug of sorts for me, and if anyone asks, I'm the first to admit, I have an addiction. I couldn't stop right now if I wanted to. There's one time a day, where I can block everything out. There's one time a day, where all the aggression, anger, rage, can be taken out, and in that form, I get to take it out on myself.

It's not that I'm anything special. I know a lot of people go through some sort of self-loathing, but working out is something I do to cope with it. I'm not good enough at my job, I workout. I'm not a good enough brother, I workout. I'm not a good enough son, I workout. I can't afford to support all my sister's with their bills and wants, I workout. I can't win this amazing girl's heart, I workout. Anytime something bothers me, it's taken out on myself in my workout.

I'm glad I have this out, and an opportunity to take out my emotions physically in a productive, non-harming way. When I was younger, I didn't know how to deal with my rage, and my feelings. I didn't know how to address my lack of present father, or being an only boy in a house full of girls, where just being a boy meant I was an easy target of exclusion. I didn't know how to handle the fact that I was forced to take care of people younger than me at a very young age because my mom needed to deliver newspapers, or needed to go grocery shopping, or even just needed time out. Sometimes, I would take it out on my sisters... I haven't hit a woman, and never would, but I have hit my sisters.

Being young, wasn't a good excuse, a lot of people go through their childhood without hurting their siblings like I did mine. I love my sisters, and I would give anything for them, but I was not always the best brother, and in times where they were as confused as I was, I probably made it more difficult on them than a better man would have. When we were left alone, and they wouldn't adhere to what i had to say, it'd be common place for us to end up in scraps, where I obviously dominated being the bigger and older boy.

I am so proud of the women my sisters have grown up to be. The mother Trystan is, the wife Mycha is, and the caring gentle person Amanda is. Unfortunately, they all have problems, that I look at and wonder how I contributed to it. If I had just been more supporting would I have been able to change the course of their life earlier and avoided much heartache for each of them.

Things with Mycha, have been especially rough. Without going into too much detail, she's broken. Every time I get the opportunity to see and talk to her is simultaneously the best and worst time of my day. I would give a lot to be able to rewind the tape and do my relationship with her over again. She's such an amazing person, and goes through so much. Nearly everything I've been through, she's been through as well, and then she's had to endure so much more. She has  an amazing resolve and spirit, but lately its been pretty rough for her, and because of it all, her spirit is finally broken. That's not to say it always will be, and she's working on it, but right now... She's just broken.

I look back, and I look at what she's currently going through, and wonder if so much of it wasn't, isn't, my fault. I wish I could make things better. For all of them. I wish I could take back so much. It's one reason it's so important for me to be a good husband and father, I won't allow my daughters to face the same reality that my sisters do. My wife, children, and family will be the most precious gifts I've ever been afforded, and I've already taken part of that for granted, I won't disappoint the others.

Ugh, I'm such an oaf!

So, recently I began helping the same girl I posted about with a few things. Mostly, getting to school and going to Church. I really don't know what to do... I love helping her, that's not the issue. In fact, I love any reason I can conjure to spend as much time with her as I can, but I panic around her. My heart beats about a billion miles around her, I breath heavily, and ultimately, my conversations seem somewhat shallow. One day I'm going to need to man up, or she's going to move on, and unfortunately, I think it may be somewhat quickly.

I don't even know that this girl is into me, and if you know me, you know I'm a little daft when it comes to women. I almost always require the girl to make the first move, I almost always require some sort of confirmation of my ability to move to a more intimate point, and if any of this ever manifest itself, you better believe I wouldn't hesitate in taking advantage of itself. The major problem is, I think she wants all the same things, and I panic at the thought of trying to attempt that, and getting shut down.

I will continue doing these things, mostly because I just enjoy her company, and if 10 mins a day is all I get, it's better than 0. But, lord help me, I want more than that.

 I'm praying for the first time in a long time. Anytime she comes up, I get an amazing feeling. Anytime I ask what I ought to do, I know at some point I'm supposed to do something, but I don't know when, or how to know what I ought to do. Anytime I ask, I get this amazing sense that I will be with her, but I can't see how when I panic at her sight. I don't know how I can do anything when I see her, and I can barely breath, much less tell her I want to be with her.

Oh well, I have very little doubt that this will be the first time I've ever botched what is the right opportunity, and I know this won't be the last time I may miss the train on something good. If only I knew what the response would be definitively, then I would be able to make an educated decision. Then again, I suppose it wouldn't be life, if there weren't some trepidation included.

Heart Rate at a Million

Boy, its been a long time since I posted on here, and seemingly every time is about something similar. This time is no different...

The same person I posted about before I'm posting about again. She hasn't left my thoughts or attention, and I don't think she ever will. I've been waiting, and though you never want to see anyone hurt, its always been a hope of mine that maybe someday the opportunity will present itself.

I'm not saying the opportunity is entirely there, but for the first time there seems for me, to be a glimmer. And let me say, if there is,  if there is just one shot, it will be the only one I need. I will never let her go, because there isn't anything I wouldn't do to see her happy, to make sure everything she wants, needs, and enjoys is provided to her by me.

Please, just let this be real. Please let this be a legitimate opportunity to follow and pursue what I've wanted to since I first met her.

In case my posts go unread anymore, don't worry, I didn't write it to be seen, just to get it out of my brain somehow.