Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Is Steven Merrill gonna have to slap a...

Alright, look, I'm short, I have a decent sized noggin, and maybe average in attraction, my redeeming qualities are a decent sense of humor, I'm fairly intelligent, and I'm not fat (Notice I didn't say I have abs like Gerard Butler, but rather I'm not fat). So, when I walk into the tanning salon, and you start flirting with me, I know it's not because you've realized my wit or personality before I walked in, and I know you're not really trying to get down with my Brad Pitt good looks. Don't take me for an idiot, I know you're in essence whoring yourself out to get me to buy a package of tanning crap so that your sales numbers look better. Seriously, I'm not scared to ask you out, I'm not scared to present myself open for an evening with you so you could get a chance to see the redeeming qualities I might posses, but don't insult me. If you need to sell your stuff, let me know that you're trying to make a sale, you think I'm an ugly chud, but you need some extra cash, and give me the low down on what the best stuff is. Approach me on a personal level, and I'll respect that, rather than giggling, touching my arm, and "accidentally" bumping into me a gajillion times on my way to my room. Sick of these ladies trying to play me for the fool, I know what your game is, and I know what you do and don't want to go down. You want me to buy your stuff, you don't want me to call you after work, you want me to come in and tan a lot more so I buy a lot more lotion, you don't want me to lotion your shoulders to keep them from burning. I'm no fool, you want me to be that guy you can cry to, hooks you up with a good time when you're down, but not be the guy you take to a party and tell your girlfriend to back up off of! It's funny, I'm not scared of rejection, throw yourself out there enough and you're bound to get one to say yes, but I don't need you to conjure a fake interest in me in order for me to be interested in buying tanning lotion that I need anyways. So to you fake snake BI$%#ES (which by the way, is no one that follows my blog, I love all of you), stop being fake, because when you want to be real, I want to help you more, and when you want a guy who's real, and can spell more than his name, I'm going to be much more willing to give you a shot when you've been straight from the get go.

Steven OUT!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Uh oh, the rabbit laid an egg!

Happy Easter all! Hope its been great so far! Its been great for me thus far, but this blog post isn't about me, it's about the tumultuous Easter experience of one little girl.

You see, this little girl after having been placed in bed lied awake for hours in much anticipation for what she might find in her Easter basket the following morning. After a solid hour to two hours the Easter Bunnies finally showed up, with presents and sweets galore. What the Easter Bunnies did not know, was the little girl was still lying awake in bed doing Yoga stretches because she could not sleep. The bunnies quickly got to their work, filling baskets and eggs, and laughing merrily off of good "spirits". Apparently, these bunnies did not realize just how loud they were being, and that they had inadvertently aroused the curiosity of the little girl, who by now had crept out of bed, down the hall, and was standing in the entrance of the house's living room in horror. The first bunny saw her and gasped, and the other two bunnies promptly jumped up and swept her right back down the hall and into bed. Was I among the "bunnies"? Yup!

Any idea how it feels to know you may have crushed a three years old's Easter spirit? Well, I was the gasping one who also started laughing. Her little face may have well just witnessed a murder for all the horror that was expressed on it. Luckily, she appears to have some short-term memory loss and doesn't seem to remember and is enjoying her Easter nonetheless.

Hope your kids, brothers/sisters, cousins, or whomever you play bunny to didn't see you, and if they did hopefully you get as much enjoyment from crushing childhood dreams as I do! Happy Easter all!

P.S. The views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Easter Bunny or his affiliates, furthermore, this transcript may not be reproduced, copied, or recreated in any form without the express written consent of the Easter Bunny and his affiliates. Additionally, the Easter Bunny and his affiliates ask that you lock your dog in its kennel on Easter, as that vicious Chihuahua bites him all the time.

Actually, I just wanted to say, I wasn't happy about crushing her Easter.

Steven OUT!

Friday, April 22, 2011

What to do?

Alright, I've had enough! I'm sick of not having much to do on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights! I have no idea how people find friends or partners outside of high school or people they've known forever! I mean, the club is not really my scene, but if I have to go to one, I will. I will rove State Street on my bike, and see what I can get to jump on the back, but somehow I don't think that's going to generate the sort of quality I'm looking for in friends. I could go to Piper Down, but if I can't approach anybody it does me very little good. I'm beginning to see why shows like "I Love You Man" are less and less funny and more and more a guide to finding a friend to be your best man, and why more and more people use services like eHarmony, because meeting new people is hard. A. People travel in packs, so going to the club alone, you're going to a hostile environment where cutting through the backs of people pointed at you is nearly impossible. B. People are just as scared as you are towards putting themselves out there and being rejected, so they stick with what they know. With two major contributors factoring against you, it leaves you to find common place with whoever you decide to try and associate with. A few things wrok against me there, A. My work place, which for most people could be a bountiful source of friendship and partner potential is barely more than 20 people, where Jaymes and I are the youngest people by a substantial margine, and have no girls our age, except one who is occupied. B. I don't go to church, so the whole annual meet and greet is not readily available for me in that sense. C. I'm not in school right now, maybe I'll just go hang out on campus and scout the area. In anycase, Friday nights home alone suck, so I really need to figure something out.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

April go away, bring May!

I have to say the most disheartening part of living in Utah is the complete lack of mid-temperature seasons! Utah never experiences Spring or Fall, for the most part you're in Hell, or just got teleported to the heart of Antarctica! Even more ridiculous is how one day it's one, and the next day it's the other. Right in time for me to have shelled my layers it starts snowing again, and as soon as I put them on again, it's an inferno.

People who love misery love the middle of the U.S. all the happy people went to the West Coast, all the motivated people went to the East Coast, and all the people who just loved finding new and inovative ways to torture themselves  just gave up and settled in the middle where it sucks! I'm completely convinced that no one ever really wanted to settle here, the Mormons did it because god said so, fine getting away from religious persecution, the Middle is good for that, but why anyone else? Biggest bunch of masicists ever??? I think so! "Listen up everybody! Are we all sufficiently miserable standing in 12 feet of snow at the highest altitude we can find?" *grumble of agreement* "Excellent, then we'll stay here, call it something depressing like 'Denver', and oh by the way, dinner's cancelled until someone rich wants to come here, strap some wood to their feet and fall down these mountains!". Really though, were you just too lazy to go the extra bit to California? Or take a more Southern route when the snow was taller than you were! Which granted, in the 1800s the average height for people was about 3 feet, but still, you'd think that maybe when you're confronted with shear cliff face, a lake filled with salt water, and snow in June you'd decide "Let's just go South!".

I'm excited for the weather to be better, you know why? Because when the weather is better, people look better! Ever notice at the end of a Utah winter people emerge from their huts in this gaunt pasty heap? I'm sure Albinos are always thinking, "Man, they look white!". And people get fatter during the winter in Utah, know why? Because eating takes away the saddness! Why do you think the Osmonds weights all fluctuate so much? Because you don't drink in Utah, and you need something to keep your mind occupied while you chip ice off of your body! Plus, warm weather means much more outdoor fun! Utah definitely knows how to have fun outdoors! Every summer the Provo River is dyed yellow by the massive amounts of unentertained college kids on break, but don't worry, it's not because of pee, they SWEAR!

There are some redeeming qualities about the seasons in Utah, however, Utah has gorgeous girls, and the summer just lets them come out to the open more often.  The Twilight Concert Series, and other outdoor concerts/events  are able to go longer because with only two seasons they tend to last longer. Plus, Utah has some amazing people, and when you're all able to get together it makes for a great atmosphere. Personally, I love the hot weather, nothing's better than surfing a longboard down the University of Utah campus in the summer, climbing Olympus and looking out over the whole valley, or riding a motorcycle up Parleys Canyon in full summer sun.

I really just wish the snow would go away, I love snowboarding and all, but my skin pigment is too close to resembling actual snow for me to be comfortable with, and quite frankly I want to climb a mountain with some friends, or go camping.

Steven OUT!

Rap on the day!

Woke up this morning with a not so pleasant disposition, trying to shake it of, not let my head affect my mission. Stepped out the front door and back into solitary confinement, when you're all alone there's not a situation that the word "solitary" isn't led to define it. Drove up to the building, not wanting to work, came in with a glare and others thought jerked to "Jerk!". My demeanor is bad, my work ethic is poor, I don't want to be here, want to walk back out the door. Forced to move, forced to comply, forced to work, just want to sit and cry. When my house is empty, and I'm again all alone, I'll pull up a chair and talk to myself on the phone. It wasn't this way before, I wasn't alone, and I don't want to be anymore. This funk I'm in, the rut that I've fallen into, isn't worth getting out of, if there's no one to interest you. Were we solitary? What's worth more than monetary? A darlin for me. Made to brighten my day, turn my skies from gray. Give me a sense of purpose, never to hurt us, provide, love, and guide us. When you're the one, you'll know? I surely hope so, but so much is built up by simple twitterpation, obsession, an emotional trap and infatuation! Why isn't there a more straight forward guide, for a straight forward guy, just lookin to help you fly? Be everything that compromises the "apple" of your eye! Anyways, this song just shifted, thinking of you and my spirits just lifted. So ends the song on a happy note, in a resolution, that you're what makes my heart float!