Tuesday, April 19, 2011

April go away, bring May!

I have to say the most disheartening part of living in Utah is the complete lack of mid-temperature seasons! Utah never experiences Spring or Fall, for the most part you're in Hell, or just got teleported to the heart of Antarctica! Even more ridiculous is how one day it's one, and the next day it's the other. Right in time for me to have shelled my layers it starts snowing again, and as soon as I put them on again, it's an inferno.

People who love misery love the middle of the U.S. all the happy people went to the West Coast, all the motivated people went to the East Coast, and all the people who just loved finding new and inovative ways to torture themselves  just gave up and settled in the middle where it sucks! I'm completely convinced that no one ever really wanted to settle here, the Mormons did it because god said so, fine getting away from religious persecution, the Middle is good for that, but why anyone else? Biggest bunch of masicists ever??? I think so! "Listen up everybody! Are we all sufficiently miserable standing in 12 feet of snow at the highest altitude we can find?" *grumble of agreement* "Excellent, then we'll stay here, call it something depressing like 'Denver', and oh by the way, dinner's cancelled until someone rich wants to come here, strap some wood to their feet and fall down these mountains!". Really though, were you just too lazy to go the extra bit to California? Or take a more Southern route when the snow was taller than you were! Which granted, in the 1800s the average height for people was about 3 feet, but still, you'd think that maybe when you're confronted with shear cliff face, a lake filled with salt water, and snow in June you'd decide "Let's just go South!".

I'm excited for the weather to be better, you know why? Because when the weather is better, people look better! Ever notice at the end of a Utah winter people emerge from their huts in this gaunt pasty heap? I'm sure Albinos are always thinking, "Man, they look white!". And people get fatter during the winter in Utah, know why? Because eating takes away the saddness! Why do you think the Osmonds weights all fluctuate so much? Because you don't drink in Utah, and you need something to keep your mind occupied while you chip ice off of your body! Plus, warm weather means much more outdoor fun! Utah definitely knows how to have fun outdoors! Every summer the Provo River is dyed yellow by the massive amounts of unentertained college kids on break, but don't worry, it's not because of pee, they SWEAR!

There are some redeeming qualities about the seasons in Utah, however, Utah has gorgeous girls, and the summer just lets them come out to the open more often.  The Twilight Concert Series, and other outdoor concerts/events  are able to go longer because with only two seasons they tend to last longer. Plus, Utah has some amazing people, and when you're all able to get together it makes for a great atmosphere. Personally, I love the hot weather, nothing's better than surfing a longboard down the University of Utah campus in the summer, climbing Olympus and looking out over the whole valley, or riding a motorcycle up Parleys Canyon in full summer sun.

I really just wish the snow would go away, I love snowboarding and all, but my skin pigment is too close to resembling actual snow for me to be comfortable with, and quite frankly I want to climb a mountain with some friends, or go camping.

Steven OUT!

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