Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What to do?

Wow, its been a long long time since I last posted a blog. Only fitting that I resolve to finally write one when I'm conflicted, which is seemingly the most prevelant time I ever choose to write anything. Looking back at some of my journals throughout the years I only ever seemed to write in them when I had something to complain about, need, or was in distress. This just happens to be no different.

Luckily, there are probably very few who still read this blog considering its been so long since I last posted, and it's lucky for a multitude of reasons, foremost are the reastions I'm sure I'd receive for something like this. Not to say that my post is so profound, but when I already feel like a lunatic, I can only imagine...

Have you ever wanted something you feel like is unobtainable? Have you ever had a yearning that actually hurts you? Have you ever had the same feelings for a person? Of course, it's the natural course that all humans take, eventually you want something you can have, and you "love" someone you just can't grasp.

The timing has never been right, always one step divided, high school-junior high, college-high school, out of touch, come back, she's gone, an ocean away, comes back, feels like an ocean still divides. All I want is for things to finally sall into place, to give a break that so often seemed to be in the inevitable forecast. For the one opportunity, I'd give anything, and make it last forever. For the chance at what was known to me from the first time she was brought over, for the prospects that I've dreamt of, I would do anything.

I know I sound like a lunatic, I prefaced with that. A love sick puppy who can't recognize the futility of its heartache, but somehow I know exactly what the future holds if that opportunity were to arise if only once. There wouldn't be a need for a second chance, I wouldn't let the first get away. Crazy, I know I feel crazy, but I would marry her, make a house where our children know they always have an open door and parents who love unconditionally. The puzzle piece never fit so well, being around her for mear hours and I once again knew that I never wanted to be without her. Time is such a fickle foe, and seemingly always out to work against me! Is it completely irrational to be in love with somebody in this manner? Yes, I know it is, but I am not rational all the time, and I would say there are very few people who are.

I know you have something good going for you, and if you don't want to step away from that I understand, I won't be upset or disgruntled by you in any way. But I can't shirk away from asking you for the opportunity, very few people find their soul mate, and I don't know its a term I even believe in, but I've never felt a more perfect fit for anyone. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day, I pondered about this for the better parts of the last two days, and I knew I needed to at least give you the chance, to give myself the chance, and to give us the chance. I know exactly how it ends up, and to say it is more than I could ever hope for is an understatement.

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