Friday, November 4, 2011

The end of a chapter...

Earlier this week I was presented with the opportunity for new employment at E*Trade Financial. As excited as I was to have received this response, I was also saddened by the implications of moving on.

For the past year and a half, FIS and specifically the Mercury division has been my home. This has been the place where I have grown the most personally and professionally. During my tenure here I've had the opportunity to learn skillsets both in the work place and out. I've broken it off with a fiance of 4 years, and felt the embrace and generosity of others when I was at my lowest. Family comes in many shapes and sizes, many mixtures and combinations, but one constant remains true about true family, true family always lets their love be known. I can honestly say that my time at FIS was never with only coworkers, it was often with family.

At one point, shortly after Whit and I had broken up, I couldn't afford food, I couldn't afford my rent, electric, cable, or dog food. One of my best friends (Who recently called me "The brother she'd always wanted") came into work, laden with food, treats for my pups, and food for them as well. Her generosity was ultimately what enabled me to eat through the desperate month, it allowed me to transition funds I would have required just to sustain life, and allocate them to power and gas.

On another such instance, I had felt particularly down about my abilities to attract a partner. This seems so frivalous, however, at the time it seemed like enough to break me completely. She reassured me that it would be fine, that eventually I would find someone that would perfect for me. These words of reassurance seem insignificant, and slightly ridiculous, but for me, at the time, they were golden.

Indeed, I would not have had this new opportunity if it had not been for the gracious nature of another great friend. It's not like I haven't know him since I was in middle school, but the opportunity to work with him has been quite a blessing. Had it not been for his willingness to spot me some money, to get a couple items paid that I needed, I'd have never been able to take advantage of this.

Though I'm excited to embark on this new adventure, I will truly miss my good friends, and new family when I leave. I wish the whole team the best, and much love.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

New Day is a New Time

Yesterday I made my first post in a long long time, granted it was professing my love for a girl I probably will never have the chance I want with, and never get to live out my dreams with, but the post still reminded me that I thuroughly enjoy writing on any subject.

Yesterday I had an experience that made me rethink how much courage I may posess. This girl about which my post was made, came over to the house last night. The point of which was to help me with homework, although it was probably inevitable that we would let the homework be the least important aspect of getting together. We ended up shooting the breeze for hours, discussing her blogging, discussing music, etc. The whole time we're talking I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her how I actually feel. Several opportunities arise, and I coware and shirk away from opening up. I often times have a problem facing situations which may end up being uncomfortable. This was just another one of those situations. What if I tell her and she doesn't reciprocate? What if I tell her and she gets angry? What if I tell her and she laughs? Often focussing on the potential bad more so than the potential good is what causes me to chop myself off at the knees. Why is the prospect of being shot down so damning to me? It's oft said that, "The worst someone can tell you is no." But, it's just that, that is the worst thing that could happen. At least if I never try then I never lose, right? It still feels like I've lost.

I'd love to make a resolution that I won't let this happen again, that I won't let another opportunity go where I allow myself to scare because of the prospect of rejection, but I know myself well enough to know this probably won't happen. My confidence is shot...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What to do?

Wow, its been a long long time since I last posted a blog. Only fitting that I resolve to finally write one when I'm conflicted, which is seemingly the most prevelant time I ever choose to write anything. Looking back at some of my journals throughout the years I only ever seemed to write in them when I had something to complain about, need, or was in distress. This just happens to be no different.

Luckily, there are probably very few who still read this blog considering its been so long since I last posted, and it's lucky for a multitude of reasons, foremost are the reastions I'm sure I'd receive for something like this. Not to say that my post is so profound, but when I already feel like a lunatic, I can only imagine...

Have you ever wanted something you feel like is unobtainable? Have you ever had a yearning that actually hurts you? Have you ever had the same feelings for a person? Of course, it's the natural course that all humans take, eventually you want something you can have, and you "love" someone you just can't grasp.

The timing has never been right, always one step divided, high school-junior high, college-high school, out of touch, come back, she's gone, an ocean away, comes back, feels like an ocean still divides. All I want is for things to finally sall into place, to give a break that so often seemed to be in the inevitable forecast. For the one opportunity, I'd give anything, and make it last forever. For the chance at what was known to me from the first time she was brought over, for the prospects that I've dreamt of, I would do anything.

I know I sound like a lunatic, I prefaced with that. A love sick puppy who can't recognize the futility of its heartache, but somehow I know exactly what the future holds if that opportunity were to arise if only once. There wouldn't be a need for a second chance, I wouldn't let the first get away. Crazy, I know I feel crazy, but I would marry her, make a house where our children know they always have an open door and parents who love unconditionally. The puzzle piece never fit so well, being around her for mear hours and I once again knew that I never wanted to be without her. Time is such a fickle foe, and seemingly always out to work against me! Is it completely irrational to be in love with somebody in this manner? Yes, I know it is, but I am not rational all the time, and I would say there are very few people who are.

I know you have something good going for you, and if you don't want to step away from that I understand, I won't be upset or disgruntled by you in any way. But I can't shirk away from asking you for the opportunity, very few people find their soul mate, and I don't know its a term I even believe in, but I've never felt a more perfect fit for anyone. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day, I pondered about this for the better parts of the last two days, and I knew I needed to at least give you the chance, to give myself the chance, and to give us the chance. I know exactly how it ends up, and to say it is more than I could ever hope for is an understatement.