Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Ugh, I'm such an oaf!

So, recently I began helping the same girl I posted about with a few things. Mostly, getting to school and going to Church. I really don't know what to do... I love helping her, that's not the issue. In fact, I love any reason I can conjure to spend as much time with her as I can, but I panic around her. My heart beats about a billion miles around her, I breath heavily, and ultimately, my conversations seem somewhat shallow. One day I'm going to need to man up, or she's going to move on, and unfortunately, I think it may be somewhat quickly.

I don't even know that this girl is into me, and if you know me, you know I'm a little daft when it comes to women. I almost always require the girl to make the first move, I almost always require some sort of confirmation of my ability to move to a more intimate point, and if any of this ever manifest itself, you better believe I wouldn't hesitate in taking advantage of itself. The major problem is, I think she wants all the same things, and I panic at the thought of trying to attempt that, and getting shut down.

I will continue doing these things, mostly because I just enjoy her company, and if 10 mins a day is all I get, it's better than 0. But, lord help me, I want more than that.

 I'm praying for the first time in a long time. Anytime she comes up, I get an amazing feeling. Anytime I ask what I ought to do, I know at some point I'm supposed to do something, but I don't know when, or how to know what I ought to do. Anytime I ask, I get this amazing sense that I will be with her, but I can't see how when I panic at her sight. I don't know how I can do anything when I see her, and I can barely breath, much less tell her I want to be with her.

Oh well, I have very little doubt that this will be the first time I've ever botched what is the right opportunity, and I know this won't be the last time I may miss the train on something good. If only I knew what the response would be definitively, then I would be able to make an educated decision. Then again, I suppose it wouldn't be life, if there weren't some trepidation included.

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