Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Something different

So, I haven't posted on here in forever, especially in any form other than to clear my head on this situation. Which, to me, is a good reason to post, and allows me to clear my head, but is not the only thing going on in my life, and definitely not the only thing worth writing home about.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that working out is important to me. It's rare, if ever, I miss a day. Rarer still is when I miss multiple days. Its become almost a drug of sorts for me, and if anyone asks, I'm the first to admit, I have an addiction. I couldn't stop right now if I wanted to. There's one time a day, where I can block everything out. There's one time a day, where all the aggression, anger, rage, can be taken out, and in that form, I get to take it out on myself.

It's not that I'm anything special. I know a lot of people go through some sort of self-loathing, but working out is something I do to cope with it. I'm not good enough at my job, I workout. I'm not a good enough brother, I workout. I'm not a good enough son, I workout. I can't afford to support all my sister's with their bills and wants, I workout. I can't win this amazing girl's heart, I workout. Anytime something bothers me, it's taken out on myself in my workout.

I'm glad I have this out, and an opportunity to take out my emotions physically in a productive, non-harming way. When I was younger, I didn't know how to deal with my rage, and my feelings. I didn't know how to address my lack of present father, or being an only boy in a house full of girls, where just being a boy meant I was an easy target of exclusion. I didn't know how to handle the fact that I was forced to take care of people younger than me at a very young age because my mom needed to deliver newspapers, or needed to go grocery shopping, or even just needed time out. Sometimes, I would take it out on my sisters... I haven't hit a woman, and never would, but I have hit my sisters.

Being young, wasn't a good excuse, a lot of people go through their childhood without hurting their siblings like I did mine. I love my sisters, and I would give anything for them, but I was not always the best brother, and in times where they were as confused as I was, I probably made it more difficult on them than a better man would have. When we were left alone, and they wouldn't adhere to what i had to say, it'd be common place for us to end up in scraps, where I obviously dominated being the bigger and older boy.

I am so proud of the women my sisters have grown up to be. The mother Trystan is, the wife Mycha is, and the caring gentle person Amanda is. Unfortunately, they all have problems, that I look at and wonder how I contributed to it. If I had just been more supporting would I have been able to change the course of their life earlier and avoided much heartache for each of them.

Things with Mycha, have been especially rough. Without going into too much detail, she's broken. Every time I get the opportunity to see and talk to her is simultaneously the best and worst time of my day. I would give a lot to be able to rewind the tape and do my relationship with her over again. She's such an amazing person, and goes through so much. Nearly everything I've been through, she's been through as well, and then she's had to endure so much more. She has  an amazing resolve and spirit, but lately its been pretty rough for her, and because of it all, her spirit is finally broken. That's not to say it always will be, and she's working on it, but right now... She's just broken.

I look back, and I look at what she's currently going through, and wonder if so much of it wasn't, isn't, my fault. I wish I could make things better. For all of them. I wish I could take back so much. It's one reason it's so important for me to be a good husband and father, I won't allow my daughters to face the same reality that my sisters do. My wife, children, and family will be the most precious gifts I've ever been afforded, and I've already taken part of that for granted, I won't disappoint the others.

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