Earlier this week I was presented with the opportunity for new employment at E*Trade Financial. As excited as I was to have received this response, I was also saddened by the implications of moving on.
For the past year and a half, FIS and specifically the Mercury division has been my home. This has been the place where I have grown the most personally and professionally. During my tenure here I've had the opportunity to learn skillsets both in the work place and out. I've broken it off with a fiance of 4 years, and felt the embrace and generosity of others when I was at my lowest. Family comes in many shapes and sizes, many mixtures and combinations, but one constant remains true about true family, true family always lets their love be known. I can honestly say that my time at FIS was never with only coworkers, it was often with family.
At one point, shortly after Whit and I had broken up, I couldn't afford food, I couldn't afford my rent, electric, cable, or dog food. One of my best friends (Who recently called me "The brother she'd always wanted") came into work, laden with food, treats for my pups, and food for them as well. Her generosity was ultimately what enabled me to eat through the desperate month, it allowed me to transition funds I would have required just to sustain life, and allocate them to power and gas.
On another such instance, I had felt particularly down about my abilities to attract a partner. This seems so frivalous, however, at the time it seemed like enough to break me completely. She reassured me that it would be fine, that eventually I would find someone that would perfect for me. These words of reassurance seem insignificant, and slightly ridiculous, but for me, at the time, they were golden.
Indeed, I would not have had this new opportunity if it had not been for the gracious nature of another great friend. It's not like I haven't know him since I was in middle school, but the opportunity to work with him has been quite a blessing. Had it not been for his willingness to spot me some money, to get a couple items paid that I needed, I'd have never been able to take advantage of this.
Though I'm excited to embark on this new adventure, I will truly miss my good friends, and new family when I leave. I wish the whole team the best, and much love.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
New Day is a New Time
Yesterday I made my first post in a long long time, granted it was professing my love for a girl I probably will never have the chance I want with, and never get to live out my dreams with, but the post still reminded me that I thuroughly enjoy writing on any subject.
Yesterday I had an experience that made me rethink how much courage I may posess. This girl about which my post was made, came over to the house last night. The point of which was to help me with homework, although it was probably inevitable that we would let the homework be the least important aspect of getting together. We ended up shooting the breeze for hours, discussing her blogging, discussing music, etc. The whole time we're talking I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her how I actually feel. Several opportunities arise, and I coware and shirk away from opening up. I often times have a problem facing situations which may end up being uncomfortable. This was just another one of those situations. What if I tell her and she doesn't reciprocate? What if I tell her and she gets angry? What if I tell her and she laughs? Often focussing on the potential bad more so than the potential good is what causes me to chop myself off at the knees. Why is the prospect of being shot down so damning to me? It's oft said that, "The worst someone can tell you is no." But, it's just that, that is the worst thing that could happen. At least if I never try then I never lose, right? It still feels like I've lost.
I'd love to make a resolution that I won't let this happen again, that I won't let another opportunity go where I allow myself to scare because of the prospect of rejection, but I know myself well enough to know this probably won't happen. My confidence is shot...
Yesterday I had an experience that made me rethink how much courage I may posess. This girl about which my post was made, came over to the house last night. The point of which was to help me with homework, although it was probably inevitable that we would let the homework be the least important aspect of getting together. We ended up shooting the breeze for hours, discussing her blogging, discussing music, etc. The whole time we're talking I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her how I actually feel. Several opportunities arise, and I coware and shirk away from opening up. I often times have a problem facing situations which may end up being uncomfortable. This was just another one of those situations. What if I tell her and she doesn't reciprocate? What if I tell her and she gets angry? What if I tell her and she laughs? Often focussing on the potential bad more so than the potential good is what causes me to chop myself off at the knees. Why is the prospect of being shot down so damning to me? It's oft said that, "The worst someone can tell you is no." But, it's just that, that is the worst thing that could happen. At least if I never try then I never lose, right? It still feels like I've lost.
I'd love to make a resolution that I won't let this happen again, that I won't let another opportunity go where I allow myself to scare because of the prospect of rejection, but I know myself well enough to know this probably won't happen. My confidence is shot...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
What to do?
Wow, its been a long long time since I last posted a blog. Only fitting that I resolve to finally write one when I'm conflicted, which is seemingly the most prevelant time I ever choose to write anything. Looking back at some of my journals throughout the years I only ever seemed to write in them when I had something to complain about, need, or was in distress. This just happens to be no different.
Luckily, there are probably very few who still read this blog considering its been so long since I last posted, and it's lucky for a multitude of reasons, foremost are the reastions I'm sure I'd receive for something like this. Not to say that my post is so profound, but when I already feel like a lunatic, I can only imagine...
Have you ever wanted something you feel like is unobtainable? Have you ever had a yearning that actually hurts you? Have you ever had the same feelings for a person? Of course, it's the natural course that all humans take, eventually you want something you can have, and you "love" someone you just can't grasp.
The timing has never been right, always one step divided, high school-junior high, college-high school, out of touch, come back, she's gone, an ocean away, comes back, feels like an ocean still divides. All I want is for things to finally sall into place, to give a break that so often seemed to be in the inevitable forecast. For the one opportunity, I'd give anything, and make it last forever. For the chance at what was known to me from the first time she was brought over, for the prospects that I've dreamt of, I would do anything.
I know I sound like a lunatic, I prefaced with that. A love sick puppy who can't recognize the futility of its heartache, but somehow I know exactly what the future holds if that opportunity were to arise if only once. There wouldn't be a need for a second chance, I wouldn't let the first get away. Crazy, I know I feel crazy, but I would marry her, make a house where our children know they always have an open door and parents who love unconditionally. The puzzle piece never fit so well, being around her for mear hours and I once again knew that I never wanted to be without her. Time is such a fickle foe, and seemingly always out to work against me! Is it completely irrational to be in love with somebody in this manner? Yes, I know it is, but I am not rational all the time, and I would say there are very few people who are.
I know you have something good going for you, and if you don't want to step away from that I understand, I won't be upset or disgruntled by you in any way. But I can't shirk away from asking you for the opportunity, very few people find their soul mate, and I don't know its a term I even believe in, but I've never felt a more perfect fit for anyone. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day, I pondered about this for the better parts of the last two days, and I knew I needed to at least give you the chance, to give myself the chance, and to give us the chance. I know exactly how it ends up, and to say it is more than I could ever hope for is an understatement.
Luckily, there are probably very few who still read this blog considering its been so long since I last posted, and it's lucky for a multitude of reasons, foremost are the reastions I'm sure I'd receive for something like this. Not to say that my post is so profound, but when I already feel like a lunatic, I can only imagine...
Have you ever wanted something you feel like is unobtainable? Have you ever had a yearning that actually hurts you? Have you ever had the same feelings for a person? Of course, it's the natural course that all humans take, eventually you want something you can have, and you "love" someone you just can't grasp.
The timing has never been right, always one step divided, high school-junior high, college-high school, out of touch, come back, she's gone, an ocean away, comes back, feels like an ocean still divides. All I want is for things to finally sall into place, to give a break that so often seemed to be in the inevitable forecast. For the one opportunity, I'd give anything, and make it last forever. For the chance at what was known to me from the first time she was brought over, for the prospects that I've dreamt of, I would do anything.
I know I sound like a lunatic, I prefaced with that. A love sick puppy who can't recognize the futility of its heartache, but somehow I know exactly what the future holds if that opportunity were to arise if only once. There wouldn't be a need for a second chance, I wouldn't let the first get away. Crazy, I know I feel crazy, but I would marry her, make a house where our children know they always have an open door and parents who love unconditionally. The puzzle piece never fit so well, being around her for mear hours and I once again knew that I never wanted to be without her. Time is such a fickle foe, and seemingly always out to work against me! Is it completely irrational to be in love with somebody in this manner? Yes, I know it is, but I am not rational all the time, and I would say there are very few people who are.
I know you have something good going for you, and if you don't want to step away from that I understand, I won't be upset or disgruntled by you in any way. But I can't shirk away from asking you for the opportunity, very few people find their soul mate, and I don't know its a term I even believe in, but I've never felt a more perfect fit for anyone. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day, I pondered about this for the better parts of the last two days, and I knew I needed to at least give you the chance, to give myself the chance, and to give us the chance. I know exactly how it ends up, and to say it is more than I could ever hope for is an understatement.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Cinco De Mayo to Sixo Del Stinko!
Today is Cinco De Mayo, so let me begin by proving my ignorance in saying, I have no idea why we celebrate this day, what it represents, or any significance, however, I can appreciate the 29 cent tacos at Del Taco, the reason to crack open a can of salsa and bag of tortilla chips to prove you're festive, and over indulge in all things Tex Mex. So, Cinco De Mayo, I've celebrated you for years, and tonight I'll drink to the worm in your honor!
In case you were wondering, tomorrow, is not Cinco De Mayo. On the contrary, tomorrow is actually the 6th of May, a day that will forever be celebrated by my mother as the anniversary of the day one of her children proved the critics wrong when they all said, "None of your kids will get married!"! IN YOUR FACE! The golden child rides to victory and ties the knot! Tomorrow will be a day my sister celebrates as the anniversary of her marriage to her husband! Tomorrow will be the day she can always justify sending the kids to bed early for a little "alone time" with her "Gweggy", and forcing him to rub her back, buy her presents they don't have the money for, and eating a whole tub of ice cream worth of dessert because it's a "special" day.
Tomorrow for me, however, represents something entirely different. The littlest (Tied for littlest, she's a twin) sister beats the big brother to the marriage line, little sister once again solidifies big brother as a loss, failure, and all around disappointment. A great way to remind someone that their relationship failed, and that little sister is succeeding where the inadequate older brother could not, is by getting married, especially right after big brother has to move into the newly vacated room in the mother's house left by little sister. I don't even get the worst of it though, the twin has newly founded distain for the other twin by the newly acquired on pour of, "When are you getting married?" "Why aren't you married?" "Your twin is married you know?". I'm worried about the safety of the other, afterall, they did try to kill each other already, granted it was in the womb with an ambilical chord, but murderous tendencies remain forever with twins. Obviously, most of this is in jest, I couldn't be happier for my little sister and I want her to live a full and enjoyable life with her husband.
Happy wedding Mycha, I love you. Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone! Happy Unbelievable Sales Day tequila companies!
Steven OUT!
P.S. You're a bitch if you don't drink the worm.
In case you were wondering, tomorrow, is not Cinco De Mayo. On the contrary, tomorrow is actually the 6th of May, a day that will forever be celebrated by my mother as the anniversary of the day one of her children proved the critics wrong when they all said, "None of your kids will get married!"! IN YOUR FACE! The golden child rides to victory and ties the knot! Tomorrow will be a day my sister celebrates as the anniversary of her marriage to her husband! Tomorrow will be the day she can always justify sending the kids to bed early for a little "alone time" with her "Gweggy", and forcing him to rub her back, buy her presents they don't have the money for, and eating a whole tub of ice cream worth of dessert because it's a "special" day.
Tomorrow for me, however, represents something entirely different. The littlest (Tied for littlest, she's a twin) sister beats the big brother to the marriage line, little sister once again solidifies big brother as a loss, failure, and all around disappointment. A great way to remind someone that their relationship failed, and that little sister is succeeding where the inadequate older brother could not, is by getting married, especially right after big brother has to move into the newly vacated room in the mother's house left by little sister. I don't even get the worst of it though, the twin has newly founded distain for the other twin by the newly acquired on pour of, "When are you getting married?" "Why aren't you married?" "Your twin is married you know?". I'm worried about the safety of the other, afterall, they did try to kill each other already, granted it was in the womb with an ambilical chord, but murderous tendencies remain forever with twins. Obviously, most of this is in jest, I couldn't be happier for my little sister and I want her to live a full and enjoyable life with her husband.
Happy wedding Mycha, I love you. Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone! Happy Unbelievable Sales Day tequila companies!
Steven OUT!
P.S. You're a bitch if you don't drink the worm.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Serenity now!!!
Finally, I have some time, work has finally calmed down to the point where I am able to do some writing, oh, did I mention it's almost 6 and I'm still here?!?!? It's already been here 11 hours, and by the time I am finished, it will be at least 12! Since coming into the day I was already at 80 hours, all of today, and my minimum of 8 hours tomorrow is straight over time! Sounds awesome, right? NO! I don't care about the money, my mental well-being is horribly shot right now. I am dreading waking up, and putting in the longer days than I anticipate. I get off lucky because my team and the people around me are amazing, but there is still only so much you can take before a mental health day is in order. Oh wait, I can't even take one of those either, because my sister decided a wedding was more important. I'm excited for her to get married, I'm excited for her to have found someone, but man alive I'd rather spend my PTO on something I want to do!
Anyways, the weekend was awesome, I'm ready for another one. Went to a party, and it got me very motivated to get out and go do some more stuff. The bike is a great distraction and hopefully it gives me a point of conversation once I am able to drive it wherever I want. And I should quit my bitching but, whatever, complain if you want!
Steven OUT!
Anyways, the weekend was awesome, I'm ready for another one. Went to a party, and it got me very motivated to get out and go do some more stuff. The bike is a great distraction and hopefully it gives me a point of conversation once I am able to drive it wherever I want. And I should quit my bitching but, whatever, complain if you want!
Steven OUT!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Is Steven Merrill gonna have to slap a...
Alright, look, I'm short, I have a decent sized noggin, and maybe average in attraction, my redeeming qualities are a decent sense of humor, I'm fairly intelligent, and I'm not fat (Notice I didn't say I have abs like Gerard Butler, but rather I'm not fat). So, when I walk into the tanning salon, and you start flirting with me, I know it's not because you've realized my wit or personality before I walked in, and I know you're not really trying to get down with my Brad Pitt good looks. Don't take me for an idiot, I know you're in essence whoring yourself out to get me to buy a package of tanning crap so that your sales numbers look better. Seriously, I'm not scared to ask you out, I'm not scared to present myself open for an evening with you so you could get a chance to see the redeeming qualities I might posses, but don't insult me. If you need to sell your stuff, let me know that you're trying to make a sale, you think I'm an ugly chud, but you need some extra cash, and give me the low down on what the best stuff is. Approach me on a personal level, and I'll respect that, rather than giggling, touching my arm, and "accidentally" bumping into me a gajillion times on my way to my room. Sick of these ladies trying to play me for the fool, I know what your game is, and I know what you do and don't want to go down. You want me to buy your stuff, you don't want me to call you after work, you want me to come in and tan a lot more so I buy a lot more lotion, you don't want me to lotion your shoulders to keep them from burning. I'm no fool, you want me to be that guy you can cry to, hooks you up with a good time when you're down, but not be the guy you take to a party and tell your girlfriend to back up off of! It's funny, I'm not scared of rejection, throw yourself out there enough and you're bound to get one to say yes, but I don't need you to conjure a fake interest in me in order for me to be interested in buying tanning lotion that I need anyways. So to you fake snake BI$%#ES (which by the way, is no one that follows my blog, I love all of you), stop being fake, because when you want to be real, I want to help you more, and when you want a guy who's real, and can spell more than his name, I'm going to be much more willing to give you a shot when you've been straight from the get go.
Steven OUT!
Steven OUT!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Uh oh, the rabbit laid an egg!
Happy Easter all! Hope its been great so far! Its been great for me thus far, but this blog post isn't about me, it's about the tumultuous Easter experience of one little girl.
You see, this little girl after having been placed in bed lied awake for hours in much anticipation for what she might find in her Easter basket the following morning. After a solid hour to two hours the Easter Bunnies finally showed up, with presents and sweets galore. What the Easter Bunnies did not know, was the little girl was still lying awake in bed doing Yoga stretches because she could not sleep. The bunnies quickly got to their work, filling baskets and eggs, and laughing merrily off of good "spirits". Apparently, these bunnies did not realize just how loud they were being, and that they had inadvertently aroused the curiosity of the little girl, who by now had crept out of bed, down the hall, and was standing in the entrance of the house's living room in horror. The first bunny saw her and gasped, and the other two bunnies promptly jumped up and swept her right back down the hall and into bed. Was I among the "bunnies"? Yup!
Any idea how it feels to know you may have crushed a three years old's Easter spirit? Well, I was the gasping one who also started laughing. Her little face may have well just witnessed a murder for all the horror that was expressed on it. Luckily, she appears to have some short-term memory loss and doesn't seem to remember and is enjoying her Easter nonetheless.
Hope your kids, brothers/sisters, cousins, or whomever you play bunny to didn't see you, and if they did hopefully you get as much enjoyment from crushing childhood dreams as I do! Happy Easter all!
P.S. The views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Easter Bunny or his affiliates, furthermore, this transcript may not be reproduced, copied, or recreated in any form without the express written consent of the Easter Bunny and his affiliates. Additionally, the Easter Bunny and his affiliates ask that you lock your dog in its kennel on Easter, as that vicious Chihuahua bites him all the time.
Actually, I just wanted to say, I wasn't happy about crushing her Easter.
Steven OUT!
You see, this little girl after having been placed in bed lied awake for hours in much anticipation for what she might find in her Easter basket the following morning. After a solid hour to two hours the Easter Bunnies finally showed up, with presents and sweets galore. What the Easter Bunnies did not know, was the little girl was still lying awake in bed doing Yoga stretches because she could not sleep. The bunnies quickly got to their work, filling baskets and eggs, and laughing merrily off of good "spirits". Apparently, these bunnies did not realize just how loud they were being, and that they had inadvertently aroused the curiosity of the little girl, who by now had crept out of bed, down the hall, and was standing in the entrance of the house's living room in horror. The first bunny saw her and gasped, and the other two bunnies promptly jumped up and swept her right back down the hall and into bed. Was I among the "bunnies"? Yup!
Any idea how it feels to know you may have crushed a three years old's Easter spirit? Well, I was the gasping one who also started laughing. Her little face may have well just witnessed a murder for all the horror that was expressed on it. Luckily, she appears to have some short-term memory loss and doesn't seem to remember and is enjoying her Easter nonetheless.
Hope your kids, brothers/sisters, cousins, or whomever you play bunny to didn't see you, and if they did hopefully you get as much enjoyment from crushing childhood dreams as I do! Happy Easter all!
P.S. The views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Easter Bunny or his affiliates, furthermore, this transcript may not be reproduced, copied, or recreated in any form without the express written consent of the Easter Bunny and his affiliates. Additionally, the Easter Bunny and his affiliates ask that you lock your dog in its kennel on Easter, as that vicious Chihuahua bites him all the time.
Actually, I just wanted to say, I wasn't happy about crushing her Easter.
Steven OUT!
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