Sunday, February 3, 2013

Bitch Zone! Be warned!

Toot toot, all aboard the bitch train.  Don't want to hear the bitching? Don't fuckin read it.

I have to say, I am exhausted, and sick to death of such a fight and struggle for everything, especially when it comes to relationships. I am sick of being the fallback, or the second choice. I don't know what it is about me, or why I'm attracted to this sort of shit, but it's seemingly the only thing I know how to do. Starting with Amanda, who had a boyfriend that she'd been dating for two years, I was drawn to someone I couldn't have. Ultimately, I got together with her, but it's always the understanding, if things had worked out with her boyfriend, I would have just been the guy she'd been talking to and helped her work through the shit she was trying to. It's also the knowledge that, that's what she'd have preferred, not me, not something with us, I was just the result of a failed attempt with someone else.

The same thing happened with Whitley. I knew from the time I started dating Whitley that I wasn't her first choice, she always wanted to be with Micah. He was always the one she'd hate herself for not being able to get, and I'd always be the reminder of her disappointment. And look what happened! We hated each other for four years, until she could finally work it out with him. I spent countless hours, not to mention money, to try to work and make us happy, and in the end, she ends up with my, at the time, best friend, all the stuff, and the happiness. And what do I end up with? A broken heart, a shattered confidence, and an inability to allow others in that close again.

And now... You know the shitty thing? I never blame these people for their choices, you can't rationalize or logic your feelings away. So, being upset with people for being human is absurd, but it doesn't mean it feels good to be on the secondary in the situations you desperately want to work. This girl is amazing, in virtually every way. She's driven, she's funny, she likes the same things I like, she's obviously gorgeous, and the problem remains. I am not the first option, and I may not even be the second or third options, and yet, she's my first option. The ridiculous thing is, she's been my first option before too; she's been my first option so many times in my life, it makes the Boy Meets World Cory and Topanga, or Scrubs  JD and Elliot, look like a sitcom version of my life. And yet, I am not hers.

I am sick of a never ending struggle to fail. I am sick of the heart ache, and the effort, and the toiling, just to find someone that I can love, and take care of. It shouldn't be this hard. 7+ billion people in the world, and I can't seem to find one that really just thinks I can be what they need to be happy? Seriously? It's that difficult? I always wondered why my Grandpa never got remarried. He was a handsome, successful, well established, nice, intelligent guy. So, after he and my Grandma split, why didn't he remarry? And in a lot of ways, I feel like the answers he probably came to, are the answers I am beginning to come to myself. It's not worth it. People will let you down.  No matter how much you give, no matter how much you love, no matter at what point you're at with someone, eventually they let you down, or you let yourself down, or you just realize; you're not what they want. I think he thought, "You know what? It's not worth it." The grind just to have the bomb detonate isn't  worth it.

I don't have a hard time getting women, don't think that's the issue. I'm a good looking guy, with a good body, a great job, etc. It's rare I go to a party and can't find someone that would be a potential candidate to take home that night, but it's extremely rare to find someone that I want to be with in a long term capacity, and put their needs at the top of my priority list, and have them want that as well.

I know this is a pity post. I know it's a tirade on love and a bitch post about poor Steven's mundane turmoil, but it's also MY mind, and my pain, and my thoughts, and really, if I don't get it out somehow, then I just get to keep it in and internalize it, and at least in one respect, I have a release.

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