So, earlier today I'd been speaking with my best friends, and we'd been talking about relationships and a few friends of ours specifically, whose relationship is so absolutely adolescent it's ridiculous. Our friend had at one time wanted to be a police officer, but his girlfriend said she would never marry a police officer. She wants to be rich, she wants to be a status wife, and a police officer is too far below her standards. He doesn't want that, he wants to enjoy what he does, make enough money to get by, and enjoy his free time. He likes to play video games, she likes to go out and be social. He likes to hang out and be a "frat boy" of sorts, and she likes to be prim and proper. They break up constantly, and have no idea why. Both of them are perfectly fine in what they like and expect or want out of life, but they seem to be forcing a square into a circle. And it's about that time I realized, I've been much the same.
I wouldn't say the interests I've taken, and fallen in love with have been childish, or adolescent even, but they haven't been the seamless integration, that two adults, in the same stage of life, with adult goals and concerns would have. I had been speaking with someone not too long ago about my sister having a monopoly on crazy for my family, and how even if I wanted to, I couldn't be crazy because I have too much shit going on. I have real people, adult, shit to do people. I have a career I am developing. I have a house to move in to that needs appliances, and maintenance. I have goals that now go beyond obtaining my next double cheeseburger from McDonalds. It's these same goals, and reasons that I realized, I've been looking for love and partners in all the wrong places. It's not to say the people I have loved, and even currently do love, don't have adult qualities or ambitions, but they haven't been in the same place as I have. They haven't been on the precipice of really being ready to start a family, or settle down. To focus on the career, and bettering the stability of themselves, and for their future children.
My focus now has to come to myself first, my career, my house, my savings, my responsibilities, my body, mind, soul, and the person I'm letting in needs those same things. Only when you match up in life positioning, is it really possible to have a seamless integration of your lives, and guess what?! Right now, I am too fuckin busy, too fuckin motivated, and too driven to have somebody take a slice out of that. If somebody wants to be there to make things easy on me, and vice versa when the time can be afforded, and it's mutually beneficial, more power, but I don't have time for games. I don't have time for the incessant bull shit.
Passion is important, love is paramount, but stability and reliability are also crucial. I want a stable household because I never got one. I want parents who are financially stable and capable because mine never were. I want to afford to send my kids to the schools they might want to go to, or do the activities they want, or to provide my wife with an opportunity to stay home, because I never had those things. I want a loving and nurturing household, and not an abusive one, where my son is the only one to stand up to me at age 4, like I had to with my Dad. Where the only thing standing between a lady and her HUSBAND was the child who didn't even come up to mid-waist on the man who was supposed to be the protector and provider to the lady he was about to punch again. I want a house where my son isn't the only male influence on the rest of my kids, and gets through life with the only fathers being abusive womanizers, and he grows up confused and learning from uncles and close friends on how a father is really supposed to behave, and what it really means to be a man. I want a house where my daughters are always protected, and they know their father loves them, and is always a watchful eye in their best interest.
I want all of these things, and now is the time for me to be building that foundation, and I'm sorry for those ladies who might be interested, but aren't quite in that spot yet, but I have my own priorities, and my own foundation to set for my future wife, I don't have time to fix your broken, or your bull shit. I need someone who has a goal for their life, knows what they want to get out of it, and sets their course for it. I'm not opposed to helping people, I'm not opposed to fixing situations and attempting to reconcile pain. That's not the problem. What is, is someone who is not sure where they're going at all, or what they want, or what the end game objective is. I can't flounder away my time, or yours. I have someone that I love dearly, she is the most amazing person I've ever met and I truly hope things work out with her, but man, I look back at the last few months, and just wonder what I was thinking. How much time did I waste trying to obtain something that was clearly not meant to be at the time, when maybe something was right there for me that I neglected because I'd allowed my priorities to shift.
In the end, love is fitting a square peg in a round hole, and it's not always going to be easy or seamless, and the one person I want is every bit the square peg to my circle, but there are times when whether the timing, or people are just not right. Right now, I don't have the time or patience or will to dwell on making the two opposites match up. I have an agenda, I have a goal, I have a plan, and if it happens that at some point along that, someone comes along side me, and begins matching me stride for stride, working as a team rather than a distraction, I would be so fortunate, but for now, the eye's on the prize friends. Stay happy!