So, most people know I've been agonizing and doing everything within my power to make something work with a girl that I've known for a long time. I am finally, and officially admitting here and now, I am defeated. Which is not necessarily a bad thing all. I've done everything within my ability to try and get something to work, and while I would have loved to have been successful in that, I know now, I just can't control this issue. If in the future something happens, I'll be ecstatic, but it won't be my doing. If something happens, it'll have to be her initiative, I've had enough of constantly being the hound pursuing the hare to no avail.
The benefits to this are that I now feel free to explore other opportunities, and lately, they've been seemingly plentiful. Additionally, women, if you didn't know, you're expensive. I mean, I'm expensive, but women are an additional expense that while worthwhile, is fairly high! I'm not mad at her, I can't really say I blame her, relationships are confusing like that.
As everyone who knows me, knows Whitley and I were together much longer than we ought to have been, so faulting someone for trying to figure relationships out is obviously something I've failed at harder than most. It's a hard line to try and ride, to figure out when it's simply a rough patch, or when it's a fundamental problem with the relationship. To figure out if you've changed, your partner's changed, or you both have. To figure out if it's you over reacting, or the action was actually something worth being upset about. People try to get through life as best they can. Nobody goes through life hoping to fail, and hoping to get hurt or be hurt, they simply try to get through as best as they can, and for all my faults, I feel very inept in being judgemental about her trying to do what makes her happy.
People are selfish beings for the most part, but that's an aspect of being human. Your natural incination is to take steps to your own happiness. I think what makes great people great, is when they figure out ways to do that, while satisfying the need for happiness in others. It's what allows great teachers to be great teachers, and great fathers to be great fathers. It's what allows for people to gravitate to you, and for you to embrace and respond in they way they require, and find happiness in that for yourself. I hope one day I am that way, at very least, I hope one day I'm that way for one person.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Years Resolutions
What's it with New Years that began the trend of change? Do you feel a sudden urge of productivity and self realization from December 31st to January 1st? Doubtful. You are virtually the exact same person when you wake up with your drunken hangover from the night before as you were prior to going out the night before. The turning of the calendar rarely gives an insight and some sort of epiphany that wasn't contained there before. Whether it's losing weight, being a kinder person, being more outgoing, etc, you knew it was something you wanted to do even before the special day at the end of the year. So, what is it that makes for New Years to be such a special time? What makes the one time of year the perfect time to make a change?
Perhaps the reason New Years is such a perfect time is because we have a reference. When you take down the old calendar and put up the new one, it is for the most part blank. Completely tabula rosa. Which for those who do not know, is Latin for blank slate. Your blank slate affords you the opportunity to do anything with the upcoming year. Nothing is built on to keep your year from being bad, because nothing has happened yet. It gives you a symbolic fresh start, and for a psyche wanting to be motivated to make change, the appearance of a blank slate can be exactly what is needed to achieve.
Not only is the year blank, but it is defining. Your New Years resolution is judged from your progress on January 1, to December 31. It doesn't change, you can't extend the calendar to compensate, it is finite. You've either succeeded or failed based on you measure of success in a defined allotment of time. And a year. Well, a year is plenty of time to achieve so many goals. You want to lose weight? Well people have made extraordinary gains in a year, hell, people do that in 90 days, thanks to p90x. You want to have a better job? Well jobs don't take a year to obtain something better. You want to learn piano? Well, it takes a long time to perfect, but to learn, and to make progress, you can make leaps in a year. The year sets a beginning and an end, a starting line, and a finish line; the year sets your criterion for determining success.
Failure. Anyone ever wonder why people fail so often at their New Years resolutions? I know I typically do, but they're always resolutions we make for self-betterment. Why do we neglect, or fail to obtain what we realize to be a bettering of ourselves? Is it because it is too difficult? Is it because it takes too much discipline? Is it because we lack thee fortitude to endure? Probably. Probably all of the above, and much more. I know my problem is personal strength and conviction. So, why not make that a resolution? Why not working on bettering the parts of ourselves that are weakest, that facilitate our abilities to better in other facets? Courage, kindness, love, compassion, communication, etc are all characteristics that allow for us to obtain other resolutions, while lending ourselves to be better at a core and extend that betterment to other portions of our lives.
My resolutions? I have a few for sure. I definitely have a few I know I am likely to fail. I suppose my real resolution is to identify the core of my resolution, and figure out how to achieve improvement on that. For instance, one of my resolutions is to find someone to be a good partner to. That's a very surface oriented goal, but at the heart, it's more about improving my ability to be outgoing so that I can actually find someone and act selflessly for them. It's about learning to be more loving, and prioritizing another's needs over my own wants. It's about being a more emotionally effective communicator, so that my counterpart can be open and expressive with me. See? The resolutions aren't just what we say we're going to set out to do, it's about a core of ideals, practices, and characteristics the reside within those resolutions.
Perhaps the reason New Years is such a perfect time is because we have a reference. When you take down the old calendar and put up the new one, it is for the most part blank. Completely tabula rosa. Which for those who do not know, is Latin for blank slate. Your blank slate affords you the opportunity to do anything with the upcoming year. Nothing is built on to keep your year from being bad, because nothing has happened yet. It gives you a symbolic fresh start, and for a psyche wanting to be motivated to make change, the appearance of a blank slate can be exactly what is needed to achieve.
Not only is the year blank, but it is defining. Your New Years resolution is judged from your progress on January 1, to December 31. It doesn't change, you can't extend the calendar to compensate, it is finite. You've either succeeded or failed based on you measure of success in a defined allotment of time. And a year. Well, a year is plenty of time to achieve so many goals. You want to lose weight? Well people have made extraordinary gains in a year, hell, people do that in 90 days, thanks to p90x. You want to have a better job? Well jobs don't take a year to obtain something better. You want to learn piano? Well, it takes a long time to perfect, but to learn, and to make progress, you can make leaps in a year. The year sets a beginning and an end, a starting line, and a finish line; the year sets your criterion for determining success.
Failure. Anyone ever wonder why people fail so often at their New Years resolutions? I know I typically do, but they're always resolutions we make for self-betterment. Why do we neglect, or fail to obtain what we realize to be a bettering of ourselves? Is it because it is too difficult? Is it because it takes too much discipline? Is it because we lack thee fortitude to endure? Probably. Probably all of the above, and much more. I know my problem is personal strength and conviction. So, why not make that a resolution? Why not working on bettering the parts of ourselves that are weakest, that facilitate our abilities to better in other facets? Courage, kindness, love, compassion, communication, etc are all characteristics that allow for us to obtain other resolutions, while lending ourselves to be better at a core and extend that betterment to other portions of our lives.
My resolutions? I have a few for sure. I definitely have a few I know I am likely to fail. I suppose my real resolution is to identify the core of my resolution, and figure out how to achieve improvement on that. For instance, one of my resolutions is to find someone to be a good partner to. That's a very surface oriented goal, but at the heart, it's more about improving my ability to be outgoing so that I can actually find someone and act selflessly for them. It's about learning to be more loving, and prioritizing another's needs over my own wants. It's about being a more emotionally effective communicator, so that my counterpart can be open and expressive with me. See? The resolutions aren't just what we say we're going to set out to do, it's about a core of ideals, practices, and characteristics the reside within those resolutions.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
The Mountain
Great day today! First off, yeah, I played a bit of hookie. Disapprove? Tough! Sometimes it's alright to play some hookie, and sometimes it's okay to do it for the sake of taking an enjoyable ride down a mountain at break neck speeds and letting go of gravity by hitting a kicker as fast as you can. The only problem with today? Yeah, my toe is broken and I still went boarding.
My toe is broken because I was getting some toquitos out of the freezer, and unfortunately when I opened the freezer door, a monster frozen roast fell right on my toe. So, needless to say, going snowboarding today on the broken toe was extremely painful, but once the adrenaline starts pumping, I didn't feel it anyways, I just boarded! Boarding, is an amazing escape for me. Being alone on a silent forested mountain, with fresh powder and no one around gives me a chance to just glide and fly, and leave all the bull shit of the rest of my life behind me.
If you've never been snowboarding, I suggest you give it a try if it's something that appeals at all to you, but more importantly, find your "snowboarding" What do you do that lets your mind be completely free, if only for a little while? It's important to find out escapes, and figure out what allows us to get away from the grind, if only for a minute. Most people know mine, working out, snowboarding, and football. I typically try to be a giving, and accommodating person, and while I do enjoy that, there are times when the demand of that and work and myself make it absolutely essential to take a timeout for myself.
Lately I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster, on several fronts. Dealing with family issues that haven't ever been encountered by me or my family. Dealing with a new job and getting used to that. Having one of my best friends find a girlfriend he spends so much time with that I now rarely see him. And of course my girl issues, being stuck in limbo with a girl I am crazy for, and knowing will potentially end up bad for me. I know, none of it sounds like a lot, and in fact, it probably isn't, but it does weigh on me, and unfortunately, I do not cope the best with stress. I have a nasty knack for getting depressed and just shutting down from the stress overload, but my escapes have helped me. Today, was especially great for that. I feel recharged, I feel like launching off those kickers just left a lot of my uneasiness behind, and that no matter what, worst case scenario, I always have the option to make myself happy by hitting the mountain, and none of those concerns, can take that away.
Hope you all had a good day too! I'm off to eat some Sush and chill with good friends, maybe you're even one of them!
My toe is broken because I was getting some toquitos out of the freezer, and unfortunately when I opened the freezer door, a monster frozen roast fell right on my toe. So, needless to say, going snowboarding today on the broken toe was extremely painful, but once the adrenaline starts pumping, I didn't feel it anyways, I just boarded! Boarding, is an amazing escape for me. Being alone on a silent forested mountain, with fresh powder and no one around gives me a chance to just glide and fly, and leave all the bull shit of the rest of my life behind me.
If you've never been snowboarding, I suggest you give it a try if it's something that appeals at all to you, but more importantly, find your "snowboarding" What do you do that lets your mind be completely free, if only for a little while? It's important to find out escapes, and figure out what allows us to get away from the grind, if only for a minute. Most people know mine, working out, snowboarding, and football. I typically try to be a giving, and accommodating person, and while I do enjoy that, there are times when the demand of that and work and myself make it absolutely essential to take a timeout for myself.
Lately I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster, on several fronts. Dealing with family issues that haven't ever been encountered by me or my family. Dealing with a new job and getting used to that. Having one of my best friends find a girlfriend he spends so much time with that I now rarely see him. And of course my girl issues, being stuck in limbo with a girl I am crazy for, and knowing will potentially end up bad for me. I know, none of it sounds like a lot, and in fact, it probably isn't, but it does weigh on me, and unfortunately, I do not cope the best with stress. I have a nasty knack for getting depressed and just shutting down from the stress overload, but my escapes have helped me. Today, was especially great for that. I feel recharged, I feel like launching off those kickers just left a lot of my uneasiness behind, and that no matter what, worst case scenario, I always have the option to make myself happy by hitting the mountain, and none of those concerns, can take that away.
Hope you all had a good day too! I'm off to eat some Sush and chill with good friends, maybe you're even one of them!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Christmas
Ever notice how much Christmas stresses the fuck out of people? Seriously, people freak out when it comes to Christmas. Did I get something for everyone in my life? Am I getting everything I want? Who loves me? Who needs me to love them? Presents presents presents! CHILL THE FUCK OUT PEOPLE!
Guys and gals, it's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be about loving others and giving a bit of yourselves. My buddy Seth showed quite a bit of selflessness, he received an unexpected Christmas bonus from his work. Seth could have done quite a bit with his bonus, but his first thought was to use the whole thing and buy his friends Christmas presents. It was very touching when he came over and told me he had my gift, and had spent a lot of time and effort finding the perfect one for me. I'm very lucky, I have a lot of selfless people in my life. They're all great influences and stand as great examples on how to be a better person.
Guys and gals, it's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be about loving others and giving a bit of yourselves. My buddy Seth showed quite a bit of selflessness, he received an unexpected Christmas bonus from his work. Seth could have done quite a bit with his bonus, but his first thought was to use the whole thing and buy his friends Christmas presents. It was very touching when he came over and told me he had my gift, and had spent a lot of time and effort finding the perfect one for me. I'm very lucky, I have a lot of selfless people in my life. They're all great influences and stand as great examples on how to be a better person.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Ah yeah!
So, a couple big things happening now pertaining to my new job. A. I've filed my U4 and gotten everything going in terms of getting registered and ready to actually begin performing the functions of my job. Which in case you didn't know, is AWESOME! It means I will start making the money that I want to, sooner, rather than later!
The second awesome thing that happened was a buddy of mine from Etrade, interviewed and was immediately asked to fill out pre-hire paperwork. This is a great sign, and honestly, from the people I've worked with, he deserves the step up more than just about anyone. I'm excited at the prospect of him getting the job, it'll be nice to have a friendly face around, and the $5000.00 bonus I get if he stays 6 months makes it enticing too.
Outside of that, I've been managing to keep busy. As virtually everyone knows, it's typically through the gym. Lately also been through Erin and assisting her with whatever she needs, which is typically school stuff, or getting to school! I joked with her that she must be the most productive person ever, and through attrition, I've become the second most productive person ever.
We did something very amazing yesterday though. A lot of times, it's easy to forget how fortunate we all are, and how much we take advantage of the everyday items in our lives. So, yesterday Erin and I bought Christmas for a Sub for Santa kid we signed up for. It was largely easy to do, I mean, I'm mostly still a 12 year old boy myself, so shopping for me, wasn't overly difficult. We got him EVERYTHING on his list, the skateboard, snow boots, clothes, bike stuff, Halo 4, and all the other shit that 12 year old boys want... Maybe minus the porn. As we were shopping, I initially was somewhat reserved and reluctant, I mean, the email did say we didn't need to buy him everything on the list. But, Erin was determined to get him everything he needed, and had obviously asked for because it was a need, and then ensure his Christmas was amazing, by getting him the things he wanted.
I noticed as we kept shopping and picking things up, I kept enjoying it more, and kept wanting to give more myself. Not only did we get him everything on the list, but we found out our Sub for Santa, had a brother, and Erin, being the kind of person she is, instantly thought of trying to provide the brother gifts, even though he'd been Subbed for as well. Her fear, "Well maybe he won't get as much as we got ours." It's hard not to admire that, and the sense of gratification I got from buying this boy Christmas, was almost enough to make the whole Christmas thing worth it again.
I'm hoping to make this a tradition, and emplore anyone who can, to look outward, and become grateful for what you have, after giving to someone who has so much less.
The second awesome thing that happened was a buddy of mine from Etrade, interviewed and was immediately asked to fill out pre-hire paperwork. This is a great sign, and honestly, from the people I've worked with, he deserves the step up more than just about anyone. I'm excited at the prospect of him getting the job, it'll be nice to have a friendly face around, and the $5000.00 bonus I get if he stays 6 months makes it enticing too.
Outside of that, I've been managing to keep busy. As virtually everyone knows, it's typically through the gym. Lately also been through Erin and assisting her with whatever she needs, which is typically school stuff, or getting to school! I joked with her that she must be the most productive person ever, and through attrition, I've become the second most productive person ever.
We did something very amazing yesterday though. A lot of times, it's easy to forget how fortunate we all are, and how much we take advantage of the everyday items in our lives. So, yesterday Erin and I bought Christmas for a Sub for Santa kid we signed up for. It was largely easy to do, I mean, I'm mostly still a 12 year old boy myself, so shopping for me, wasn't overly difficult. We got him EVERYTHING on his list, the skateboard, snow boots, clothes, bike stuff, Halo 4, and all the other shit that 12 year old boys want... Maybe minus the porn. As we were shopping, I initially was somewhat reserved and reluctant, I mean, the email did say we didn't need to buy him everything on the list. But, Erin was determined to get him everything he needed, and had obviously asked for because it was a need, and then ensure his Christmas was amazing, by getting him the things he wanted.
I noticed as we kept shopping and picking things up, I kept enjoying it more, and kept wanting to give more myself. Not only did we get him everything on the list, but we found out our Sub for Santa, had a brother, and Erin, being the kind of person she is, instantly thought of trying to provide the brother gifts, even though he'd been Subbed for as well. Her fear, "Well maybe he won't get as much as we got ours." It's hard not to admire that, and the sense of gratification I got from buying this boy Christmas, was almost enough to make the whole Christmas thing worth it again.
I'm hoping to make this a tradition, and emplore anyone who can, to look outward, and become grateful for what you have, after giving to someone who has so much less.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Ugh!!!
Started a new job this week all, and let me tell you, it is awesome! Super stressful right now, and honestly, I've had multiple bloody noses just about everyday since I started, which I've been told is probably caused by my stress. All in all, however, this job is awesome! It is fairly cushy with the opportunity to make a lot more money than I ever really thought I would, or at least anytime before I was 35+. It is very gratifying to know I'm now in a position where a sustainable, and lucritive career is possible. As awesome as everything is right now, it is seriously stressful. The new job is always a bit of added stress, no matter how smooth or easy the transition is, there's always getting to know new people, and getting used to a new setup, systems, protocols, etc.
Additionally, right now I've been hanging out with Erin just about everyday, which is great, but I'm in such a feelings limbo right now, it's crazy. Unfortunately, she leaves to Hawaii next week, and I'm not going to see her for a while. So, I can't do much of anything about it. Ugh!!! This is the worst state ever! I got asked out at the gym two or three days ago, and said no. Know why? Because I don't really care what propositions I get, I don't want to jeopardize my chances. I have a goal, I know what I want, if I fail, so be it, but before I look to anything else, I want to know if I failed, or succeeded first. To add on to all of that, I constantly panic, and second guess any chance of success, which only makes me more anxious! Oh well. What can you do?
So, I'm sitting in limbo with my job right now, and my personal life, and unfortunately, answers and productivity seem to be destined to require waiting until January. Hope things are awesome for everyone... Even if they're not, hopefully you know eh? :D
Additionally, right now I've been hanging out with Erin just about everyday, which is great, but I'm in such a feelings limbo right now, it's crazy. Unfortunately, she leaves to Hawaii next week, and I'm not going to see her for a while. So, I can't do much of anything about it. Ugh!!! This is the worst state ever! I got asked out at the gym two or three days ago, and said no. Know why? Because I don't really care what propositions I get, I don't want to jeopardize my chances. I have a goal, I know what I want, if I fail, so be it, but before I look to anything else, I want to know if I failed, or succeeded first. To add on to all of that, I constantly panic, and second guess any chance of success, which only makes me more anxious! Oh well. What can you do?
So, I'm sitting in limbo with my job right now, and my personal life, and unfortunately, answers and productivity seem to be destined to require waiting until January. Hope things are awesome for everyone... Even if they're not, hopefully you know eh? :D
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