Pet Peeve!

Alright, I'm taking a moment to vent about on of my biggest pet peeves. I can't stand when people try to one up you with how hard something is, or complain to you that something is soooooo much harder than anything you might have going on in your life, and they can't do anything because you don't even understand how difficult their school, or work, or making of assless chaps is!!!

Here's the thing, lets take a look at a hypothetical friend of mine. We've tried to coerce him out of his house about a billion times, and everytime it's, "I can't, I have to write a paper. I'm being a dick because you don't understand how demanding my communications classes are." LISTEN SHIT LORD! I've had enough. For every asshole who complains about working 45 hours a week, there's a single mother working 80.  For every senseless son of a bitch saying they can't work because they're in nursing school (Dig!), there's someone else working two jobs and doing it, and for every girl doing law school at BYU with a husband who makes good money there's someone doing law school and working 40 hours a week. So, don't tell me you're shit is too monumental to handle, because there's always someone doing the same thing and handling it better than you, and finding time for the people they care about.

I hate it when people start comparing degrees, and even though I love my best friend's wife, she had a nasty knack for doing this too. Where she'd say, "Oh, I can't do such and such because Chemistry is such a hard degree." Listen, I get it's difficult to multitask, but Chemistry is not infinitely more difficult, if it is more difficult at all, than Computer Engineering, and yet, I manage to find time to enjoy others company. I HATE when people try to compare degrees and promote theirs as the most difficult thing anyone could possibly ever do, and no one can possibly fathom how difficult it is. I took the Series 7, had Finals the same time, and still found time for people, and I wouldn't even claim that's the most difficult schedule one could have!

I know a girl who is in school right now, and used to work like 80 hours a week herself, and still found time to do photo shoots, hang out with her peeps, and play the piano. I have a mother who worked full time, got her Masters, had four kids, a husband, and still managed to find time to cook Sunday dinner and watch a movie with her kids. Don't tell me your schedule is just sooooo demanding it would be absolutely impossible to do anything outside of sit in your house alone! I know otherwise!

Sorry... That's my pet peeve. You are not special or unique in what you're going through at any given moment, for everything you have, there's always someone going through something worse or more demanding. It has to do with motivation, and your want to make time for the people who care about you. I love my people, especially those who make time in their busy schedules to chill with someone who just wants to spend time in their company. Whether that's an Aunt who volunteers for almost everything her kids are involved with, works full time, and has her kids to tend to. Or an amazing girl, who amidst her 16 credit hours, countless mounds of homework, photo shoots, her family, etc still wants to hang out on a Sunday morning. I guess that's what makes productive people great. They're motivated without being neglectful.

Something different

So, I haven't posted on here in forever, especially in any form other than to clear my head on this situation. Which, to me, is a good reason to post, and allows me to clear my head, but is not the only thing going on in my life, and definitely not the only thing worth writing home about.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that working out is important to me. It's rare, if ever, I miss a day. Rarer still is when I miss multiple days. Its become almost a drug of sorts for me, and if anyone asks, I'm the first to admit, I have an addiction. I couldn't stop right now if I wanted to. There's one time a day, where I can block everything out. There's one time a day, where all the aggression, anger, rage, can be taken out, and in that form, I get to take it out on myself.

It's not that I'm anything special. I know a lot of people go through some sort of self-loathing, but working out is something I do to cope with it. I'm not good enough at my job, I workout. I'm not a good enough brother, I workout. I'm not a good enough son, I workout. I can't afford to support all my sister's with their bills and wants, I workout. I can't win this amazing girl's heart, I workout. Anytime something bothers me, it's taken out on myself in my workout.

I'm glad I have this out, and an opportunity to take out my emotions physically in a productive, non-harming way. When I was younger, I didn't know how to deal with my rage, and my feelings. I didn't know how to address my lack of present father, or being an only boy in a house full of girls, where just being a boy meant I was an easy target of exclusion. I didn't know how to handle the fact that I was forced to take care of people younger than me at a very young age because my mom needed to deliver newspapers, or needed to go grocery shopping, or even just needed time out. Sometimes, I would take it out on my sisters... I haven't hit a woman, and never would, but I have hit my sisters.

Being young, wasn't a good excuse, a lot of people go through their childhood without hurting their siblings like I did mine. I love my sisters, and I would give anything for them, but I was not always the best brother, and in times where they were as confused as I was, I probably made it more difficult on them than a better man would have. When we were left alone, and they wouldn't adhere to what i had to say, it'd be common place for us to end up in scraps, where I obviously dominated being the bigger and older boy.

I am so proud of the women my sisters have grown up to be. The mother Trystan is, the wife Mycha is, and the caring gentle person Amanda is. Unfortunately, they all have problems, that I look at and wonder how I contributed to it. If I had just been more supporting would I have been able to change the course of their life earlier and avoided much heartache for each of them.

Things with Mycha, have been especially rough. Without going into too much detail, she's broken. Every time I get the opportunity to see and talk to her is simultaneously the best and worst time of my day. I would give a lot to be able to rewind the tape and do my relationship with her over again. She's such an amazing person, and goes through so much. Nearly everything I've been through, she's been through as well, and then she's had to endure so much more. She has  an amazing resolve and spirit, but lately its been pretty rough for her, and because of it all, her spirit is finally broken. That's not to say it always will be, and she's working on it, but right now... She's just broken.

I look back, and I look at what she's currently going through, and wonder if so much of it wasn't, isn't, my fault. I wish I could make things better. For all of them. I wish I could take back so much. It's one reason it's so important for me to be a good husband and father, I won't allow my daughters to face the same reality that my sisters do. My wife, children, and family will be the most precious gifts I've ever been afforded, and I've already taken part of that for granted, I won't disappoint the others.

Ugh, I'm such an oaf!

So, recently I began helping the same girl I posted about with a few things. Mostly, getting to school and going to Church. I really don't know what to do... I love helping her, that's not the issue. In fact, I love any reason I can conjure to spend as much time with her as I can, but I panic around her. My heart beats about a billion miles around her, I breath heavily, and ultimately, my conversations seem somewhat shallow. One day I'm going to need to man up, or she's going to move on, and unfortunately, I think it may be somewhat quickly.

I don't even know that this girl is into me, and if you know me, you know I'm a little daft when it comes to women. I almost always require the girl to make the first move, I almost always require some sort of confirmation of my ability to move to a more intimate point, and if any of this ever manifest itself, you better believe I wouldn't hesitate in taking advantage of itself. The major problem is, I think she wants all the same things, and I panic at the thought of trying to attempt that, and getting shut down.

I will continue doing these things, mostly because I just enjoy her company, and if 10 mins a day is all I get, it's better than 0. But, lord help me, I want more than that.

 I'm praying for the first time in a long time. Anytime she comes up, I get an amazing feeling. Anytime I ask what I ought to do, I know at some point I'm supposed to do something, but I don't know when, or how to know what I ought to do. Anytime I ask, I get this amazing sense that I will be with her, but I can't see how when I panic at her sight. I don't know how I can do anything when I see her, and I can barely breath, much less tell her I want to be with her.

Oh well, I have very little doubt that this will be the first time I've ever botched what is the right opportunity, and I know this won't be the last time I may miss the train on something good. If only I knew what the response would be definitively, then I would be able to make an educated decision. Then again, I suppose it wouldn't be life, if there weren't some trepidation included.

Heart Rate at a Million

Boy, its been a long time since I posted on here, and seemingly every time is about something similar. This time is no different...

The same person I posted about before I'm posting about again. She hasn't left my thoughts or attention, and I don't think she ever will. I've been waiting, and though you never want to see anyone hurt, its always been a hope of mine that maybe someday the opportunity will present itself.

I'm not saying the opportunity is entirely there, but for the first time there seems for me, to be a glimmer. And let me say, if there is,  if there is just one shot, it will be the only one I need. I will never let her go, because there isn't anything I wouldn't do to see her happy, to make sure everything she wants, needs, and enjoys is provided to her by me.

Please, just let this be real. Please let this be a legitimate opportunity to follow and pursue what I've wanted to since I first met her.

In case my posts go unread anymore, don't worry, I didn't write it to be seen, just to get it out of my brain somehow.

The end of a chapter...

Earlier this week I was presented with the opportunity for new employment at E*Trade Financial. As excited as I was to have received this response, I was also saddened by the implications of moving on.

For the past year and a half, FIS and specifically the Mercury division has been my home. This has been the place where I have grown the most personally and professionally. During my tenure here I've had the opportunity to learn skillsets both in the work place and out. I've broken it off with a fiance of 4 years, and felt the embrace and generosity of others when I was at my lowest. Family comes in many shapes and sizes, many mixtures and combinations, but one constant remains true about true family, true family always lets their love be known. I can honestly say that my time at FIS was never with only coworkers, it was often with family.

At one point, shortly after Whit and I had broken up, I couldn't afford food, I couldn't afford my rent, electric, cable, or dog food. One of my best friends (Who recently called me "The brother she'd always wanted") came into work, laden with food, treats for my pups, and food for them as well. Her generosity was ultimately what enabled me to eat through the desperate month, it allowed me to transition funds I would have required just to sustain life, and allocate them to power and gas.

On another such instance, I had felt particularly down about my abilities to attract a partner. This seems so frivalous, however, at the time it seemed like enough to break me completely. She reassured me that it would be fine, that eventually I would find someone that would perfect for me. These words of reassurance seem insignificant, and slightly ridiculous, but for me, at the time, they were golden.

Indeed, I would not have had this new opportunity if it had not been for the gracious nature of another great friend. It's not like I haven't know him since I was in middle school, but the opportunity to work with him has been quite a blessing. Had it not been for his willingness to spot me some money, to get a couple items paid that I needed, I'd have never been able to take advantage of this.

Though I'm excited to embark on this new adventure, I will truly miss my good friends, and new family when I leave. I wish the whole team the best, and much love.

New Day is a New Time

Yesterday I made my first post in a long long time, granted it was professing my love for a girl I probably will never have the chance I want with, and never get to live out my dreams with, but the post still reminded me that I thuroughly enjoy writing on any subject.

Yesterday I had an experience that made me rethink how much courage I may posess. This girl about which my post was made, came over to the house last night. The point of which was to help me with homework, although it was probably inevitable that we would let the homework be the least important aspect of getting together. We ended up shooting the breeze for hours, discussing her blogging, discussing music, etc. The whole time we're talking I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her how I actually feel. Several opportunities arise, and I coware and shirk away from opening up. I often times have a problem facing situations which may end up being uncomfortable. This was just another one of those situations. What if I tell her and she doesn't reciprocate? What if I tell her and she gets angry? What if I tell her and she laughs? Often focussing on the potential bad more so than the potential good is what causes me to chop myself off at the knees. Why is the prospect of being shot down so damning to me? It's oft said that, "The worst someone can tell you is no." But, it's just that, that is the worst thing that could happen. At least if I never try then I never lose, right? It still feels like I've lost.

I'd love to make a resolution that I won't let this happen again, that I won't let another opportunity go where I allow myself to scare because of the prospect of rejection, but I know myself well enough to know this probably won't happen. My confidence is shot...

What to do?

Wow, its been a long long time since I last posted a blog. Only fitting that I resolve to finally write one when I'm conflicted, which is seemingly the most prevelant time I ever choose to write anything. Looking back at some of my journals throughout the years I only ever seemed to write in them when I had something to complain about, need, or was in distress. This just happens to be no different.

Luckily, there are probably very few who still read this blog considering its been so long since I last posted, and it's lucky for a multitude of reasons, foremost are the reastions I'm sure I'd receive for something like this. Not to say that my post is so profound, but when I already feel like a lunatic, I can only imagine...

Have you ever wanted something you feel like is unobtainable? Have you ever had a yearning that actually hurts you? Have you ever had the same feelings for a person? Of course, it's the natural course that all humans take, eventually you want something you can have, and you "love" someone you just can't grasp.

The timing has never been right, always one step divided, high school-junior high, college-high school, out of touch, come back, she's gone, an ocean away, comes back, feels like an ocean still divides. All I want is for things to finally sall into place, to give a break that so often seemed to be in the inevitable forecast. For the one opportunity, I'd give anything, and make it last forever. For the chance at what was known to me from the first time she was brought over, for the prospects that I've dreamt of, I would do anything.

I know I sound like a lunatic, I prefaced with that. A love sick puppy who can't recognize the futility of its heartache, but somehow I know exactly what the future holds if that opportunity were to arise if only once. There wouldn't be a need for a second chance, I wouldn't let the first get away. Crazy, I know I feel crazy, but I would marry her, make a house where our children know they always have an open door and parents who love unconditionally. The puzzle piece never fit so well, being around her for mear hours and I once again knew that I never wanted to be without her. Time is such a fickle foe, and seemingly always out to work against me! Is it completely irrational to be in love with somebody in this manner? Yes, I know it is, but I am not rational all the time, and I would say there are very few people who are.

I know you have something good going for you, and if you don't want to step away from that I understand, I won't be upset or disgruntled by you in any way. But I can't shirk away from asking you for the opportunity, very few people find their soul mate, and I don't know its a term I even believe in, but I've never felt a more perfect fit for anyone. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day, I pondered about this for the better parts of the last two days, and I knew I needed to at least give you the chance, to give myself the chance, and to give us the chance. I know exactly how it ends up, and to say it is more than I could ever hope for is an understatement.