Adult Shit

So, earlier today I'd been speaking with my best friends, and we'd been talking about relationships and a few friends of ours specifically, whose relationship is so absolutely adolescent it's ridiculous. Our friend had at one time wanted to be a police officer, but his girlfriend said she would never marry a police officer. She wants to be rich, she wants to be a status wife, and a police officer is too far below her standards. He doesn't want that, he wants to enjoy what he does, make enough money to get by, and enjoy his free time. He likes to play video games, she likes to go out and be social. He likes to hang out and be a "frat boy" of sorts, and she likes to be prim and proper. They break up constantly, and have no idea why. Both of them are perfectly fine in what they like and expect or want out of life, but they seem to be forcing a square into a circle. And it's about that time I realized, I've been much the same.

I wouldn't say the interests I've taken, and fallen in love with have been childish, or adolescent even, but they haven't been the seamless integration, that two adults, in the same stage of life, with adult goals and concerns would have. I had been speaking with someone not too long ago about my sister having a monopoly on crazy for my family, and how even if I wanted to, I couldn't be crazy because I have too much shit going on. I have real people, adult, shit to do people. I have a career I am developing. I have a house to move in to that needs appliances, and maintenance. I have goals that now go beyond obtaining my next double cheeseburger from McDonalds. It's these same goals, and reasons that I realized, I've been looking for love and partners in all the wrong places. It's not to say the people I have loved, and even currently do love, don't have adult qualities or ambitions, but they haven't been in the same place as I have. They haven't been on the precipice of really being ready to start a family, or settle down. To focus on the career, and bettering the stability of themselves, and for their future children.

My focus now has to come to myself first, my career, my house, my savings, my responsibilities, my body, mind, soul, and the person I'm letting in needs those same things. Only when you match up in life positioning, is it really possible to have a seamless integration of your lives, and guess what?!  Right now, I am too fuckin busy, too fuckin motivated, and too driven to have somebody take a slice out of that. If somebody wants to be there to make things easy on me, and vice versa when the time can be afforded, and it's mutually beneficial, more power, but I don't have time for games. I don't have time for the incessant bull shit.

Passion is important, love is paramount, but stability and reliability are also crucial. I want a stable household because I never got one. I want parents who are financially stable and capable because mine never were. I want to afford to send my kids to the schools they might want to go to, or do the activities they want, or to provide my wife with an opportunity to stay home, because I never had those things. I want a loving and nurturing household, and not an abusive one, where my son is the only one to stand up to me at age 4, like I had to with my Dad. Where the only thing standing between a lady and her HUSBAND was the child who didn't even come up to mid-waist on the man who was supposed to be the protector and provider to the lady he was about to punch again. I want a house where my son isn't the only male influence on the rest of my kids, and gets through life with the only fathers being abusive womanizers, and he grows up confused and learning from uncles and close friends on how a father is really supposed to behave, and what it really means to be a man. I want a house where my daughters are always protected, and they know their father loves them, and is always a watchful eye in their best interest.

I want all of these things, and now is the time for me to be building that foundation, and I'm sorry for those ladies who might be interested, but aren't quite in that spot yet, but I have my own priorities, and my own foundation to set for my future wife, I don't have time to fix your broken, or your bull shit. I need someone who has a goal for their life, knows what they want to get out of it, and sets their course for it. I'm not opposed to helping people, I'm not opposed to fixing situations and attempting to reconcile pain. That's not the problem. What is, is someone who is not sure where they're going at all, or what they want, or what the end game objective is. I can't flounder away my time, or yours. I have someone that I love dearly, she is the most amazing person I've ever met and I truly hope things work out with her, but man, I look back at the last few months, and just wonder what I was thinking. How much time did I waste trying to obtain something that was clearly not meant to be at the time, when maybe something was right there for me that I neglected because I'd allowed my priorities to shift.

In the end, love is fitting a square peg in a round hole, and it's not always going to be easy or seamless, and the one person I want is every bit the square peg to my circle, but there are times when whether the timing, or people are just not right. Right now, I don't have the time or patience or will to dwell on making the two opposites match up. I have an agenda, I have a goal, I have a plan, and if it happens that at some point along that, someone comes along side me, and begins matching me stride for stride, working as a team rather than a distraction, I would be so fortunate, but for now, the eye's on the prize friends. Stay happy!

Give Me Love

On repeat lately.

Big Money. Big Women. Big Fun.

That's the motto ladies and gents! Big money. Big women. Big fun. I haven't been living this recently though, and you know what? I don't like my life nearly as much when I'm not. It's not a happy place to be. It's not all that fun. And you know what? It's time to get back some fun in life!

Big money. Alright, this might be the one I'm living alright, and soon I get to get out of my mom's house and enjoy the fruits of my labor on my own! Thank you JEEBUS! Because I can't take this no MAS!

Big women. Now when I say this, I don't mean size, come on peeps. I got nothing against all women, I mean big women in terms of personality and facilitating big fun! And I have that, and even though our relationship is just a fucked up nightmare that's as undefined as my Step Father's abs, she facilitates big fun!

Big fun! This is most important, I need to get my big fun on. Gym routine maintained, watch my favorite shows, get out of my house. Get out of my head. Get done with this test. And enjoy my life!

This is short, but hey, so am I! But, come on peeps, let's implement the plan!

Daylight

 Just the sappy song we all sometimes need.

Hope everyone's doing alright, stay happy all.

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down

This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over, start all over,
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah)
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah!

Bitch Zone! Be warned!

Toot toot, all aboard the bitch train.  Don't want to hear the bitching? Don't fuckin read it.

I have to say, I am exhausted, and sick to death of such a fight and struggle for everything, especially when it comes to relationships. I am sick of being the fallback, or the second choice. I don't know what it is about me, or why I'm attracted to this sort of shit, but it's seemingly the only thing I know how to do. Starting with Amanda, who had a boyfriend that she'd been dating for two years, I was drawn to someone I couldn't have. Ultimately, I got together with her, but it's always the understanding, if things had worked out with her boyfriend, I would have just been the guy she'd been talking to and helped her work through the shit she was trying to. It's also the knowledge that, that's what she'd have preferred, not me, not something with us, I was just the result of a failed attempt with someone else.

The same thing happened with Whitley. I knew from the time I started dating Whitley that I wasn't her first choice, she always wanted to be with Micah. He was always the one she'd hate herself for not being able to get, and I'd always be the reminder of her disappointment. And look what happened! We hated each other for four years, until she could finally work it out with him. I spent countless hours, not to mention money, to try to work and make us happy, and in the end, she ends up with my, at the time, best friend, all the stuff, and the happiness. And what do I end up with? A broken heart, a shattered confidence, and an inability to allow others in that close again.

And now... You know the shitty thing? I never blame these people for their choices, you can't rationalize or logic your feelings away. So, being upset with people for being human is absurd, but it doesn't mean it feels good to be on the secondary in the situations you desperately want to work. This girl is amazing, in virtually every way. She's driven, she's funny, she likes the same things I like, she's obviously gorgeous, and the problem remains. I am not the first option, and I may not even be the second or third options, and yet, she's my first option. The ridiculous thing is, she's been my first option before too; she's been my first option so many times in my life, it makes the Boy Meets World Cory and Topanga, or Scrubs  JD and Elliot, look like a sitcom version of my life. And yet, I am not hers.

I am sick of a never ending struggle to fail. I am sick of the heart ache, and the effort, and the toiling, just to find someone that I can love, and take care of. It shouldn't be this hard. 7+ billion people in the world, and I can't seem to find one that really just thinks I can be what they need to be happy? Seriously? It's that difficult? I always wondered why my Grandpa never got remarried. He was a handsome, successful, well established, nice, intelligent guy. So, after he and my Grandma split, why didn't he remarry? And in a lot of ways, I feel like the answers he probably came to, are the answers I am beginning to come to myself. It's not worth it. People will let you down.  No matter how much you give, no matter how much you love, no matter at what point you're at with someone, eventually they let you down, or you let yourself down, or you just realize; you're not what they want. I think he thought, "You know what? It's not worth it." The grind just to have the bomb detonate isn't  worth it.

I don't have a hard time getting women, don't think that's the issue. I'm a good looking guy, with a good body, a great job, etc. It's rare I go to a party and can't find someone that would be a potential candidate to take home that night, but it's extremely rare to find someone that I want to be with in a long term capacity, and put their needs at the top of my priority list, and have them want that as well.

I know this is a pity post. I know it's a tirade on love and a bitch post about poor Steven's mundane turmoil, but it's also MY mind, and my pain, and my thoughts, and really, if I don't get it out somehow, then I just get to keep it in and internalize it, and at least in one respect, I have a release.

Quite the week...

Quite the week…

Well this has been quite the week to say the least, and not in a good way. Why does it seem like bad things always seem to come in fistfuls? It’s like some giant masturbating bad events finally lets loose and climaxes his bad week load all over your face. It’s not that I don’t expect bad things to happen, bad things happen to everyone. I just don’t know why it has to be an all or nothing sort of thing. It has to be all good, or all bad, it can’t just be a situation where we’re level and even keel with the ups and downs balancing each other out on a daily, or at least weekly basis. Let’s get this started, shall we?

First off, my Grandma passed away. Now over the last few years I hadn’t been super close to her, mostly because she was my great grandma and my immediate grandma and her had been at odds. Additionally, she hadn’t been overly well, and living in Wisconsin, wasn’t travelling quite as much. All that being said, she did still mean a good deal to me. I remember going to Wisconsin for a summer when I was little and staying with her. My uncles slept in a trailer in the backyard on Great Grandma’s massive plot of land, and actually fought to let me sleep out there with them. I remember Grandma had made sure we were well stocked with treats, and I remember her buying fireworks for us since it was the 4^th of July. Another time, we were visiting my Aunt Janet (My Grandma’s sister, and one of Great Grandma’s other daughters) while Grandma was staying with her. It was my birthday, and I wasn’t necessarily happy about being away from home for it, but Grandma made me a homemade ice cream cake, with my favorite, mint chocolate chip ice cream. I’ll always remember that. I don’t know why it made such an impression, maybe because she made it with me in mind, and knowing I wasn’t happy, or maybe because I’ve rarely had anything done for me for my birthday, but it will always resonate as one of my best birthdays. She was a very remarkable lady, her and my great grandpa lived on their land in a tent while he built their house with his hands. They lived through the Great Depression and WWII. It really is sad to think that the lady who made many of my childhood belongings, like my baby blanket is gone now.

The next item contained in the massive giant load of suck, was missing my test. This might not seem like a big deal to anyone except me, but I want to start doing my actual job. My days are so mundane with nothing substantive to fill them at work. I want to start making my money too. Don’t get me wrong, 50k is nothing to smirk at, but I will be six figures, and the quicker I start, the quicker I can start making. I don’t like sitting on my butt while I know I have clients to help and investments to make.

I’ll skip to the most recent, because the next one in the chronological order will probably be what I bitch and moan about most, but if you don’t like it, don’t read my blog. Today, I spent almost $600 for new brake pads, rotors, and registration. $600 bucks is not an astronomical amount, but man, that’s still a hefty chunk of change, and at least the registration part is something I get no tangible benefit from. Not only that, but I went there during lunch, and I expected it to be a fairly quick trip, but it ended up taking me almost three hours. Luckily, no one cares if I’m gone for a long lunch, but that’s a long time to sit and wait for them to put on new brakes, plus the cost, and it all came together to put me in quite a sour demeanor.

Finally, the worst part of the week was telling the girl that I want to pursue a relationship with, that I couldn’t spend time with her, or be around her until she can figure out what she wants. Specifically, what she wants with her ex boyfriend, and me… That was seriously the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long long time, and there are a few reasons for that. A. We’ve spent virtually every waking moment, outside of school, and work, together for the past few weeks, and before she went to Hawaii on vacation. Seriously, it was a lot of time, and what’s remarkable, is that there wasn’t ever a time I wanted to take alone time, or got annoyed with her. Anyone whose spent a long time with me, has probably experienced my annoyances and then progressively aggressive attitude toward them after so long together. Not her though. I left happy to see her after work everyday. B. I didn’t want to get rid of her, I still don’t. It wasn’t nasty like when I told Whitley she had to get lost or I was going to snap her neck. It was a, “I have to cut you off, because I want us both to be happy together, and until you get this figured out, we’ll never be able to be happy.” It’s a scenario where I still want things to work out, and I still want to pursue something, but I can’t be the second option, or the option being settled for until the real want presents itself. I’ve been there, and done that, and it only creates resentment and hurt. If and when it happens, I want to do it right, and the pseudo way we were getting into, was only going to be a disservice to what we both could have and deserve eventually. So, of course, I drank a 750ML of whiskey, and passed out, and then worked out. Such are my coping mechanisms often times when these things arise. I’m still just not happy, and I know she isn’t either, but we will end up where we’re supposed to, and I still believe it’s together and in a situation that’s better than the crash course we were on before.

 So that’s been my week thus far, and I know it probably doesn’t sound terrible to a lot of you, but man is it wearing on me. It really has my mind in a terrible state, and I just can’t rationalize my emotions away yet. I’m so pissed off I really want to break shit, or punch something, but I’m also so sad, which just makes me want to do nothing and go comatose, and then I’m also super motivated, and I want to be productive. This must be what my Grandma Charlene feels like with all the voices in her head pulling her in different directions. Hope your week is better, if not, I sympathize.

Great Days!

I have had some of the most amazing past few days, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've spent the majority of my every waking moment, and many of my unconscious ones, with the most amazing and brilliant girl I know. It's kind of funny, the old adage, "It's always darkest before dawn" seems to be a proverbial truth.  Often times it seems to be the ability to endure through the rough that allows you to accept and experience the good.

I was having a conversation with Drew the other day, about sharing in the agony of defeat with the teams that you root for, being a crucial component to also sharing in the highs of victory. I've come to realize, this is a fairly global truth. In order to experience the happiness of success, you have to be willing to face the prospect of defeat. If you're not vested, if you're apathetic, then you don't care what the outcome is. For Drew, I used this analogy: If you didn't care about Alex (his girlfriend), then you wouldn't mind when she's sad, you wouldn't care when things go wrong with her parents, it wouldn't matter if she moved to Indonesia for all you'd care, but you've taken a vested interest in her. You've allowed for her to be every bit a part of your life as your family and close friends. It's because of that, that when you know she's struggling you care, you want to do something to fix it. Allowing yourself to be affected like that doesn't mean you only get that burden though, it means you also share in the gifts of happiness that are afforded to her. It's why when she succeeds, you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as well. It's why she's able to make you happy, and why she's able to make you sad.

Marriages and relationships that don't work, so often seemed to be caused by a lack of ability for one party to affect the other. When one side becomes apathetic to the happenings of the other, you lose the mutual interest in the well being of the relationship. It's no longer an equal commitment, it's suddenly a lot more pain for one person, while a lot less for another. I guess that's what makes relationships such a worthwhile pursuit. They're scary, they're fragile, they're intimidating, but they're amazing, they're unparallelled in happiness and disappointment. They cause euphoria, and crippling pain.

I still don't know what I'm in, haha, and while the confusion is often times frustrating, if I take it at the level I explained, the litmus test tells me, I feel pain when something upsets her, and I feel great satisfaction when something makes her happy, and what more really can I ask for?

Debate

So guess who's going to Berkeley! If you pointed two thumbs at this guy, you'd be correct, but should probably not point with your thumbs because you look like a moron. Since I decided to move on with my life and try to give up on the girl I really want, I decided to fill my time with something more productive and try going back and being involved in the Debate Community. I have to say, its been amazing. So many of the same people I used to see on a regular basis, and so many people I'd forgotten whose company I used to love. Not only that, but it gives me a time to listen to people engage in a constructive dialogue. Not only the debates themselves, which are often times extremely educational and stimulating, but the people involved in the community are a group of people with some of the sharpest and most open minds I know.

It's great to be a part of something like that when you're so stuck in your own mind with no outlet, it gives you something to focus that otherwise internally destructive brain power on. I guess that's one of the things that drew me to it in the first place. Most people are pretty well aware that I dislike confrontation, nothing gives me more anxiety than confronting people, and potentially being in disagreement. But, with debate, people are free to express themselves and opinions, in a structured and orderly environment. When you go into a debate, you know what you're getting yourself into. You know you're engaging in something to take an opposite side. No one's feelings are hurt, and no one is upset when you disagree with them, because you're supposed to. It's what you're there for. Politics, Economics, Philosophy, Emotion, etc, they're all part of what you're agreeing to and you do so willingly. Some of my most hardened beliefs have been as a result of the dialogue had within debate rounds. Dialogue that liberated me logically and emotionally, and some of the people I've met, have been the most extraordinary people I know.

When I was a Sophomore in high school, I attended Dixie State College's Sun County Forensics Institute, and it was there that I really was given a firm grasp as to the type of family this community creates. My old debate coach Stan Banks, was not only my coach, but much more of a father figure than my own Dad often was. To this day he remains one of my closest and dearest friends, I have seen his kids grow up, I have been invited to holidays, spent weekends with the family, and consider his whole family as much a part of my family as I do my own sisters. It's the people that often times make our outlets so unique and so much a part of us that we continue to engage in them for our lives.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I not done Debate, and there's not a time I ever believe it would have been for the better. My views on women were completely changed by Debate, I don't believe in patriarchal values at all. There are very few times I ever say something shouldn't be extended to women. It changed my idea of equality in general, and made me more sympathetic to people who fight just to try and obtain the same rights that are just naturally extended to me. IE I don't use the word "Gay" or "Fag" as derogatory terms or pointed insults, because on the other end of that insult is someone who is affected by it, who simply tries to live and cope with a life that is already facing enough adversity without somebody using a term to verbally spit on you with. I don't think I'd be as concerned about the impoverished of the world had it not been for debate, or even those less fortunate here in the US. I'd be a much different person, and unfortunately, it'd likely be a lifestyle similar to that of many youth growing up in the most Conservative and religious state in America.

Not only does Debate provide all of the aforementioned benefits, but it doesn't necessarily have a shortage of potential relationships! :D I guess that's how all of my REAL relationships have begun, and thus far, they've all been pretty shitty, but I attribute that more to poor judgement on my part than I do to the female populous in Debate in general. In fact, last weekend was the Copper Classic Round Robin, and I saw one person specifically that I'd been  interested in before, but she had a boyfriend I was good friends with; come to find out, she's single now and available. Who knows? Maybe something will come from it! Maybe not... But in any case, at least it gets me involved and in a community, rather than being stuck home wishing that options that are not likely to open up, would. And to be perfectly honest, I knew that getting into it. So, why not try and afford myself the possibility of being happy?

I guess when it comes down to it, our activities definitely help shape us, and it's important to have those activities in our life. They're what give us structure and definition, they're what helps our moral compass point in some direction that isn't solely based on self, and set toward self-destruction. Our activities give us access to the people that can have some of the biggest impacts on our lives, and remain with us forever. Our activities give us something beyond ourselves as individuals to come together and interact and engage with each other through. I hope everyone has their activities like that, and that whatever it is, it continues to bring you more happiness for as long as you want it to.

Alright, I quit... Which is not a bad thing

So, most people know I've been agonizing and doing everything within my power to make something work with a girl that I've known for a long time. I am finally, and officially admitting here and now, I am defeated. Which is not necessarily a bad thing all. I've done everything within my ability to try and get something to work, and while I would have loved to have been successful in that, I know now, I just can't control this issue. If in the future something happens, I'll be ecstatic, but it won't be my doing. If something happens, it'll have to be her initiative, I've had enough of constantly being the hound pursuing the hare to no avail.

The benefits to this are that I now feel free to explore other opportunities, and lately, they've been seemingly plentiful. Additionally, women, if you didn't know, you're expensive. I mean, I'm expensive, but women are an additional expense that while worthwhile, is fairly high! I'm not mad at her, I can't really say I blame her, relationships are confusing like that.

As everyone who knows me, knows Whitley and I were together much longer than we ought to have been, so faulting someone for trying to figure relationships out is obviously something I've failed at harder than most. It's a hard line to try and ride, to figure out when it's simply a rough patch, or when it's a fundamental problem with the relationship. To figure out if you've changed, your partner's changed, or you both have. To figure out if it's you over reacting, or the action was actually something worth being upset about. People try to get through life as best they can. Nobody goes through life hoping to fail, and hoping to get hurt or be hurt, they simply try to get through as best as they can, and for all my faults, I feel very inept in being judgemental about her trying to do what makes her happy.

People are selfish beings for the most part, but that's an aspect of being human. Your natural incination is to take steps to your own happiness. I think what makes great people great, is when they figure out ways to do that, while satisfying the need for happiness in others. It's what allows great teachers to be great teachers, and great fathers to be great fathers. It's what allows for people to gravitate to you, and for you to embrace and respond in they way they require, and find happiness in that for yourself. I hope one day I am that way, at very least, I hope one day I'm that way for one person.

New Years Resolutions

What's it with New Years that began the trend of change? Do you feel a sudden urge of productivity and self realization from December 31st to January 1st? Doubtful. You are virtually the exact same person when you wake up with your drunken hangover from the night before as you were prior to going out the night before. The turning of the calendar rarely gives an insight and some sort of epiphany that wasn't contained there before. Whether it's losing weight, being a kinder person, being more outgoing, etc, you knew it was something you wanted to do even before the special day at the end of the year. So, what is it that makes for New Years to be such a special time? What makes the one time of year the perfect time to make a change?

Perhaps the reason New Years is such a perfect time is because we have a reference. When you take down the old calendar and put up the new one, it is for the most part blank. Completely tabula rosa. Which for those who do not know, is Latin for blank slate. Your blank slate affords you the opportunity to do anything with the upcoming year. Nothing is built on to keep your year from being bad, because nothing has happened yet. It gives you a symbolic fresh start, and for a psyche wanting to be motivated to make change, the appearance of a blank slate can be exactly what is needed to achieve.

Not only is the year blank, but it is defining. Your New Years resolution is judged from your progress on January 1, to December 31. It doesn't change, you can't extend the calendar to compensate, it is finite. You've either succeeded or failed based on you measure of success in a defined allotment of time. And a year. Well, a year is plenty of time to achieve so many goals. You want to lose weight? Well people have made extraordinary gains in a year, hell, people do that in 90 days, thanks to p90x. You want to have a better job? Well jobs don't take a year to obtain something better. You want to learn piano? Well, it takes a long time to perfect, but to learn, and to make progress, you can make leaps in a year. The year sets a beginning and an end, a starting line, and a finish line; the year sets your criterion for determining success.

Failure. Anyone ever wonder why people fail so often at their New Years resolutions? I know I typically do, but they're always resolutions we make for self-betterment. Why do we neglect, or fail to obtain what we realize to be a bettering of ourselves? Is it because it is too difficult? Is it because it takes too much discipline? Is it because we lack thee fortitude to endure? Probably. Probably all of the above, and much more. I know my problem is personal strength and conviction. So, why not make that a resolution? Why not working on bettering the parts of ourselves that are weakest, that facilitate our abilities to better in other facets? Courage, kindness, love, compassion, communication, etc are all characteristics that allow for us to obtain other resolutions, while lending ourselves to be better at a core and extend that betterment to other portions of our lives.

My resolutions? I have a few for sure. I definitely have a few I know I am likely to fail. I suppose my real resolution is to identify the core of my resolution, and figure out how to achieve improvement on that. For instance, one of my resolutions is to find someone to be a good partner to. That's a very surface oriented goal, but at the heart, it's more about improving my ability to be outgoing so that I can actually find someone and act selflessly for them. It's about learning to be more loving, and prioritizing another's needs over my own wants. It's about being a more emotionally effective communicator, so that my counterpart can be open and expressive with me. See? The resolutions aren't just what we say we're going to set out to do, it's about a core of ideals, practices, and characteristics the reside within those resolutions.

Fuck You! :D

The Mountain

Great day today! First off, yeah, I played a bit of hookie. Disapprove? Tough!  Sometimes it's alright to play some hookie, and sometimes it's okay to do it for the sake of taking an enjoyable ride down a mountain at break neck speeds and letting go of gravity by hitting a kicker as fast as you can. The only problem with today? Yeah, my toe is broken and I  still went boarding.

My toe is broken because I was getting some toquitos out of the freezer, and unfortunately when I opened the freezer door, a monster frozen roast fell right on my toe. So, needless to say, going snowboarding today on the broken toe was extremely painful, but once the adrenaline starts pumping, I didn't feel it anyways, I just boarded! Boarding, is an amazing escape for me. Being alone on a silent forested mountain, with fresh powder and no one around gives me a chance to just glide and fly, and leave all the bull shit of the rest of my life behind me.

If you've never been snowboarding, I suggest you give it a try if it's something that appeals at all to you, but more importantly, find your "snowboarding" What do you do that lets your mind be completely free, if only for a little while? It's important to find out escapes, and figure out what allows us to get away from the grind, if only for a minute. Most people know mine, working out, snowboarding, and football. I typically try to be a giving, and accommodating person, and while I do enjoy that, there are times when the demand of that and work and myself make it absolutely essential to take a timeout for myself.

Lately I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster, on several fronts. Dealing with family issues that haven't ever been encountered by me or my family. Dealing with a new job and getting used to that. Having one of my best friends find a girlfriend he spends so much time with that I now rarely see him. And of course my girl issues, being stuck in limbo with a girl I am crazy for, and knowing will potentially end up bad for me. I know, none of it sounds like a lot, and in fact, it probably isn't, but it does weigh on me, and unfortunately, I do not cope the best with stress. I have a nasty knack for getting depressed and just shutting down from the stress overload, but my escapes have helped me. Today, was especially great for that. I feel recharged, I feel like launching off those kickers just left a lot of my uneasiness behind, and that no matter what, worst case scenario, I always have the option to make myself happy by hitting the mountain, and none of those concerns, can take that away.


Hope you all had a good day too! I'm off to eat some Sush and chill with good friends, maybe you're even one of them!

Christmas

Ever notice how much Christmas stresses the fuck out of people? Seriously, people freak out when it comes to Christmas. Did I get something for everyone in my life? Am I getting everything I want? Who loves me? Who needs me to love them? Presents presents presents! CHILL THE FUCK OUT PEOPLE!

Guys and gals, it's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be about loving others and giving a bit of yourselves. My buddy Seth showed quite a bit of selflessness, he received an unexpected Christmas bonus from his work. Seth could have done quite a bit with his bonus, but his first thought was to use the whole thing and buy his friends Christmas presents. It was very touching when he came over and told me he had my gift, and had spent a lot of time and effort finding the perfect one for me. I'm very lucky, I have a lot of selfless people in my life. They're all great influences and stand as great examples on how to be a better person.

Ah yeah!

So, a couple big things happening now pertaining to my new job. A. I've filed my U4 and gotten everything going in terms of getting registered and ready to actually begin performing the functions of my job. Which in case you didn't know, is AWESOME! It means I will start making the money that I want to, sooner, rather than later!

The second awesome thing that happened was a buddy of mine from Etrade, interviewed and was immediately asked to fill out pre-hire paperwork. This is a great sign, and honestly, from the people I've worked with, he deserves the step up more than just about anyone. I'm excited at the prospect of him getting the job, it'll be nice to have a friendly face around, and the $5000.00 bonus I get if he stays 6 months makes it enticing too.

Outside of that, I've been managing to keep busy. As virtually everyone knows, it's typically through the gym. Lately also been through Erin and assisting her with whatever she needs, which is typically school stuff, or getting to school! I joked with her that she must be the most productive person ever, and through attrition, I've become the second most productive person ever.

We did something very amazing yesterday though. A lot of times, it's easy to forget how fortunate we all are, and how much we take advantage of the everyday items in our lives. So, yesterday Erin and I bought Christmas for a Sub for Santa kid we signed up for. It was largely easy to do, I mean, I'm mostly still a 12 year old boy myself, so shopping for me, wasn't overly difficult. We got him EVERYTHING on his list, the skateboard, snow boots, clothes, bike stuff, Halo 4, and all the other shit that 12 year old boys want... Maybe minus the porn. As we were shopping, I initially was somewhat reserved and reluctant, I mean, the email did say we didn't need to buy him everything on the list. But, Erin was determined to get him everything he needed, and had obviously asked for because it was a need, and then ensure his Christmas was amazing, by getting him the things he wanted.

I noticed as we kept shopping and picking things up, I kept enjoying it more, and kept wanting to give more myself. Not only did we get him everything on the list, but we found out our Sub for Santa, had a brother, and Erin, being the kind of person she is, instantly thought of trying to provide the brother gifts, even though he'd been Subbed for as well. Her fear, "Well maybe he won't get as much as we got ours." It's hard not to admire that, and the sense of gratification I got from buying this boy Christmas, was almost enough to make the whole Christmas thing worth it again.

I'm hoping to make this a tradition, and emplore anyone who can, to look outward, and become grateful for what you have, after giving to someone who has so much less.

Ugh!!!

Started a new job this week all, and let me tell you, it is awesome! Super stressful right now, and honestly, I've had multiple bloody noses just about everyday since I started, which I've been told is probably caused by my stress. All in all, however, this job is awesome! It is fairly cushy with the opportunity to make a lot more money than I ever really thought I would, or at least anytime before I was 35+. It is very gratifying to know I'm now in a position where a sustainable, and lucritive career is possible. As awesome as everything is right now, it is seriously stressful. The new job is always a bit of added stress, no matter how smooth or easy the transition is, there's always getting to know new people, and getting used to a new setup, systems, protocols, etc.

Additionally, right now I've been hanging out with Erin just about everyday, which is great, but I'm in such a feelings limbo right now, it's crazy. Unfortunately, she leaves to Hawaii next week, and I'm not going to see her for a while. So, I can't do much of anything about it. Ugh!!! This is the worst state ever! I got asked out at the gym two or three days ago, and said no. Know why? Because I don't really care what propositions I get, I don't want to jeopardize my chances. I have a goal, I know what I want, if I fail, so be it, but before I look to anything else, I want to know if I failed, or succeeded first. To add on to all of that, I constantly panic, and second guess any chance of success, which only makes me more anxious! Oh well. What can you do?

So, I'm sitting in limbo with my job right now, and my personal life, and unfortunately, answers and productivity seem to be destined to require waiting until January. Hope things are awesome for everyone... Even if they're not, hopefully you know eh? :D

Sad day!

Its been a sad day today, as one of my Middle School teachers was hit and killed by a hit and run car driver.  His name was Randy Treglown, and he routinely ran to the school in the mornings. He was running this morning and about a block before he would have been to school, running with the crosswalk, he was hit and taken. It's a terrible day when a father or mother is taken from their family, it's even worse when they're a great parent, and a great teacher. Mr. Treglown always encouraged me to train hard, and to persevere. He was a great person, and I know the world is a worse place without him.


Additionally, today I'm struggling with what to do with a certain person I'm interested in...

My Mind Doesn't Work

I think I need some Adderrall... I've been trying to help a friend of mine study for tests she has coming up for the end of the semester, and I'm sure I have ADD. My attention span seems to be decreasing the older I get, and not increasing. I'm terrible about staying on point and getting things done. It probably doesn't help that she's gorgeous, and I'm obviously crazy for her, but still.

Even alone, I tried putting on music and get going on some reading and writing. I found music with words inevitably detracts from my ability to focus. And dubstep or techno makes me neurotic. So, of course I ended up going with the Old Faithful of my listening stations, which is my Lord of the Rings soundtrack station! I know, this is so incredibly nerdy, but it is so relaxing and able to keep me focused. If I can just keep this focus and see this through, we may make sure she passes this semester yet.

I had an amazing day... I couldn't be happier.

Pet Peeve!

Alright, I'm taking a moment to vent about on of my biggest pet peeves. I can't stand when people try to one up you with how hard something is, or complain to you that something is soooooo much harder than anything you might have going on in your life, and they can't do anything because you don't even understand how difficult their school, or work, or making of assless chaps is!!!

Here's the thing, lets take a look at a hypothetical friend of mine. We've tried to coerce him out of his house about a billion times, and everytime it's, "I can't, I have to write a paper. I'm being a dick because you don't understand how demanding my communications classes are." LISTEN SHIT LORD! I've had enough. For every asshole who complains about working 45 hours a week, there's a single mother working 80.  For every senseless son of a bitch saying they can't work because they're in nursing school (Dig!), there's someone else working two jobs and doing it, and for every girl doing law school at BYU with a husband who makes good money there's someone doing law school and working 40 hours a week. So, don't tell me you're shit is too monumental to handle, because there's always someone doing the same thing and handling it better than you, and finding time for the people they care about.

I hate it when people start comparing degrees, and even though I love my best friend's wife, she had a nasty knack for doing this too. Where she'd say, "Oh, I can't do such and such because Chemistry is such a hard degree." Listen, I get it's difficult to multitask, but Chemistry is not infinitely more difficult, if it is more difficult at all, than Computer Engineering, and yet, I manage to find time to enjoy others company. I HATE when people try to compare degrees and promote theirs as the most difficult thing anyone could possibly ever do, and no one can possibly fathom how difficult it is. I took the Series 7, had Finals the same time, and still found time for people, and I wouldn't even claim that's the most difficult schedule one could have!

I know a girl who is in school right now, and used to work like 80 hours a week herself, and still found time to do photo shoots, hang out with her peeps, and play the piano. I have a mother who worked full time, got her Masters, had four kids, a husband, and still managed to find time to cook Sunday dinner and watch a movie with her kids. Don't tell me your schedule is just sooooo demanding it would be absolutely impossible to do anything outside of sit in your house alone! I know otherwise!

Sorry... That's my pet peeve. You are not special or unique in what you're going through at any given moment, for everything you have, there's always someone going through something worse or more demanding. It has to do with motivation, and your want to make time for the people who care about you. I love my people, especially those who make time in their busy schedules to chill with someone who just wants to spend time in their company. Whether that's an Aunt who volunteers for almost everything her kids are involved with, works full time, and has her kids to tend to. Or an amazing girl, who amidst her 16 credit hours, countless mounds of homework, photo shoots, her family, etc still wants to hang out on a Sunday morning. I guess that's what makes productive people great. They're motivated without being neglectful.

Something different

So, I haven't posted on here in forever, especially in any form other than to clear my head on this situation. Which, to me, is a good reason to post, and allows me to clear my head, but is not the only thing going on in my life, and definitely not the only thing worth writing home about.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that working out is important to me. It's rare, if ever, I miss a day. Rarer still is when I miss multiple days. Its become almost a drug of sorts for me, and if anyone asks, I'm the first to admit, I have an addiction. I couldn't stop right now if I wanted to. There's one time a day, where I can block everything out. There's one time a day, where all the aggression, anger, rage, can be taken out, and in that form, I get to take it out on myself.

It's not that I'm anything special. I know a lot of people go through some sort of self-loathing, but working out is something I do to cope with it. I'm not good enough at my job, I workout. I'm not a good enough brother, I workout. I'm not a good enough son, I workout. I can't afford to support all my sister's with their bills and wants, I workout. I can't win this amazing girl's heart, I workout. Anytime something bothers me, it's taken out on myself in my workout.

I'm glad I have this out, and an opportunity to take out my emotions physically in a productive, non-harming way. When I was younger, I didn't know how to deal with my rage, and my feelings. I didn't know how to address my lack of present father, or being an only boy in a house full of girls, where just being a boy meant I was an easy target of exclusion. I didn't know how to handle the fact that I was forced to take care of people younger than me at a very young age because my mom needed to deliver newspapers, or needed to go grocery shopping, or even just needed time out. Sometimes, I would take it out on my sisters... I haven't hit a woman, and never would, but I have hit my sisters.

Being young, wasn't a good excuse, a lot of people go through their childhood without hurting their siblings like I did mine. I love my sisters, and I would give anything for them, but I was not always the best brother, and in times where they were as confused as I was, I probably made it more difficult on them than a better man would have. When we were left alone, and they wouldn't adhere to what i had to say, it'd be common place for us to end up in scraps, where I obviously dominated being the bigger and older boy.

I am so proud of the women my sisters have grown up to be. The mother Trystan is, the wife Mycha is, and the caring gentle person Amanda is. Unfortunately, they all have problems, that I look at and wonder how I contributed to it. If I had just been more supporting would I have been able to change the course of their life earlier and avoided much heartache for each of them.

Things with Mycha, have been especially rough. Without going into too much detail, she's broken. Every time I get the opportunity to see and talk to her is simultaneously the best and worst time of my day. I would give a lot to be able to rewind the tape and do my relationship with her over again. She's such an amazing person, and goes through so much. Nearly everything I've been through, she's been through as well, and then she's had to endure so much more. She has  an amazing resolve and spirit, but lately its been pretty rough for her, and because of it all, her spirit is finally broken. That's not to say it always will be, and she's working on it, but right now... She's just broken.

I look back, and I look at what she's currently going through, and wonder if so much of it wasn't, isn't, my fault. I wish I could make things better. For all of them. I wish I could take back so much. It's one reason it's so important for me to be a good husband and father, I won't allow my daughters to face the same reality that my sisters do. My wife, children, and family will be the most precious gifts I've ever been afforded, and I've already taken part of that for granted, I won't disappoint the others.

Ugh, I'm such an oaf!

So, recently I began helping the same girl I posted about with a few things. Mostly, getting to school and going to Church. I really don't know what to do... I love helping her, that's not the issue. In fact, I love any reason I can conjure to spend as much time with her as I can, but I panic around her. My heart beats about a billion miles around her, I breath heavily, and ultimately, my conversations seem somewhat shallow. One day I'm going to need to man up, or she's going to move on, and unfortunately, I think it may be somewhat quickly.

I don't even know that this girl is into me, and if you know me, you know I'm a little daft when it comes to women. I almost always require the girl to make the first move, I almost always require some sort of confirmation of my ability to move to a more intimate point, and if any of this ever manifest itself, you better believe I wouldn't hesitate in taking advantage of itself. The major problem is, I think she wants all the same things, and I panic at the thought of trying to attempt that, and getting shut down.

I will continue doing these things, mostly because I just enjoy her company, and if 10 mins a day is all I get, it's better than 0. But, lord help me, I want more than that.

 I'm praying for the first time in a long time. Anytime she comes up, I get an amazing feeling. Anytime I ask what I ought to do, I know at some point I'm supposed to do something, but I don't know when, or how to know what I ought to do. Anytime I ask, I get this amazing sense that I will be with her, but I can't see how when I panic at her sight. I don't know how I can do anything when I see her, and I can barely breath, much less tell her I want to be with her.

Oh well, I have very little doubt that this will be the first time I've ever botched what is the right opportunity, and I know this won't be the last time I may miss the train on something good. If only I knew what the response would be definitively, then I would be able to make an educated decision. Then again, I suppose it wouldn't be life, if there weren't some trepidation included.