Adult Shit

So, earlier today I'd been speaking with my best friends, and we'd been talking about relationships and a few friends of ours specifically, whose relationship is so absolutely adolescent it's ridiculous. Our friend had at one time wanted to be a police officer, but his girlfriend said she would never marry a police officer. She wants to be rich, she wants to be a status wife, and a police officer is too far below her standards. He doesn't want that, he wants to enjoy what he does, make enough money to get by, and enjoy his free time. He likes to play video games, she likes to go out and be social. He likes to hang out and be a "frat boy" of sorts, and she likes to be prim and proper. They break up constantly, and have no idea why. Both of them are perfectly fine in what they like and expect or want out of life, but they seem to be forcing a square into a circle. And it's about that time I realized, I've been much the same.

I wouldn't say the interests I've taken, and fallen in love with have been childish, or adolescent even, but they haven't been the seamless integration, that two adults, in the same stage of life, with adult goals and concerns would have. I had been speaking with someone not too long ago about my sister having a monopoly on crazy for my family, and how even if I wanted to, I couldn't be crazy because I have too much shit going on. I have real people, adult, shit to do people. I have a career I am developing. I have a house to move in to that needs appliances, and maintenance. I have goals that now go beyond obtaining my next double cheeseburger from McDonalds. It's these same goals, and reasons that I realized, I've been looking for love and partners in all the wrong places. It's not to say the people I have loved, and even currently do love, don't have adult qualities or ambitions, but they haven't been in the same place as I have. They haven't been on the precipice of really being ready to start a family, or settle down. To focus on the career, and bettering the stability of themselves, and for their future children.

My focus now has to come to myself first, my career, my house, my savings, my responsibilities, my body, mind, soul, and the person I'm letting in needs those same things. Only when you match up in life positioning, is it really possible to have a seamless integration of your lives, and guess what?!  Right now, I am too fuckin busy, too fuckin motivated, and too driven to have somebody take a slice out of that. If somebody wants to be there to make things easy on me, and vice versa when the time can be afforded, and it's mutually beneficial, more power, but I don't have time for games. I don't have time for the incessant bull shit.

Passion is important, love is paramount, but stability and reliability are also crucial. I want a stable household because I never got one. I want parents who are financially stable and capable because mine never were. I want to afford to send my kids to the schools they might want to go to, or do the activities they want, or to provide my wife with an opportunity to stay home, because I never had those things. I want a loving and nurturing household, and not an abusive one, where my son is the only one to stand up to me at age 4, like I had to with my Dad. Where the only thing standing between a lady and her HUSBAND was the child who didn't even come up to mid-waist on the man who was supposed to be the protector and provider to the lady he was about to punch again. I want a house where my son isn't the only male influence on the rest of my kids, and gets through life with the only fathers being abusive womanizers, and he grows up confused and learning from uncles and close friends on how a father is really supposed to behave, and what it really means to be a man. I want a house where my daughters are always protected, and they know their father loves them, and is always a watchful eye in their best interest.

I want all of these things, and now is the time for me to be building that foundation, and I'm sorry for those ladies who might be interested, but aren't quite in that spot yet, but I have my own priorities, and my own foundation to set for my future wife, I don't have time to fix your broken, or your bull shit. I need someone who has a goal for their life, knows what they want to get out of it, and sets their course for it. I'm not opposed to helping people, I'm not opposed to fixing situations and attempting to reconcile pain. That's not the problem. What is, is someone who is not sure where they're going at all, or what they want, or what the end game objective is. I can't flounder away my time, or yours. I have someone that I love dearly, she is the most amazing person I've ever met and I truly hope things work out with her, but man, I look back at the last few months, and just wonder what I was thinking. How much time did I waste trying to obtain something that was clearly not meant to be at the time, when maybe something was right there for me that I neglected because I'd allowed my priorities to shift.

In the end, love is fitting a square peg in a round hole, and it's not always going to be easy or seamless, and the one person I want is every bit the square peg to my circle, but there are times when whether the timing, or people are just not right. Right now, I don't have the time or patience or will to dwell on making the two opposites match up. I have an agenda, I have a goal, I have a plan, and if it happens that at some point along that, someone comes along side me, and begins matching me stride for stride, working as a team rather than a distraction, I would be so fortunate, but for now, the eye's on the prize friends. Stay happy!

Give Me Love

On repeat lately.

Big Money. Big Women. Big Fun.

That's the motto ladies and gents! Big money. Big women. Big fun. I haven't been living this recently though, and you know what? I don't like my life nearly as much when I'm not. It's not a happy place to be. It's not all that fun. And you know what? It's time to get back some fun in life!

Big money. Alright, this might be the one I'm living alright, and soon I get to get out of my mom's house and enjoy the fruits of my labor on my own! Thank you JEEBUS! Because I can't take this no MAS!

Big women. Now when I say this, I don't mean size, come on peeps. I got nothing against all women, I mean big women in terms of personality and facilitating big fun! And I have that, and even though our relationship is just a fucked up nightmare that's as undefined as my Step Father's abs, she facilitates big fun!

Big fun! This is most important, I need to get my big fun on. Gym routine maintained, watch my favorite shows, get out of my house. Get out of my head. Get done with this test. And enjoy my life!

This is short, but hey, so am I! But, come on peeps, let's implement the plan!

Daylight

 Just the sappy song we all sometimes need.

Hope everyone's doing alright, stay happy all.

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down

This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over, start all over,
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah)
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah!

Bitch Zone! Be warned!

Toot toot, all aboard the bitch train.  Don't want to hear the bitching? Don't fuckin read it.

I have to say, I am exhausted, and sick to death of such a fight and struggle for everything, especially when it comes to relationships. I am sick of being the fallback, or the second choice. I don't know what it is about me, or why I'm attracted to this sort of shit, but it's seemingly the only thing I know how to do. Starting with Amanda, who had a boyfriend that she'd been dating for two years, I was drawn to someone I couldn't have. Ultimately, I got together with her, but it's always the understanding, if things had worked out with her boyfriend, I would have just been the guy she'd been talking to and helped her work through the shit she was trying to. It's also the knowledge that, that's what she'd have preferred, not me, not something with us, I was just the result of a failed attempt with someone else.

The same thing happened with Whitley. I knew from the time I started dating Whitley that I wasn't her first choice, she always wanted to be with Micah. He was always the one she'd hate herself for not being able to get, and I'd always be the reminder of her disappointment. And look what happened! We hated each other for four years, until she could finally work it out with him. I spent countless hours, not to mention money, to try to work and make us happy, and in the end, she ends up with my, at the time, best friend, all the stuff, and the happiness. And what do I end up with? A broken heart, a shattered confidence, and an inability to allow others in that close again.

And now... You know the shitty thing? I never blame these people for their choices, you can't rationalize or logic your feelings away. So, being upset with people for being human is absurd, but it doesn't mean it feels good to be on the secondary in the situations you desperately want to work. This girl is amazing, in virtually every way. She's driven, she's funny, she likes the same things I like, she's obviously gorgeous, and the problem remains. I am not the first option, and I may not even be the second or third options, and yet, she's my first option. The ridiculous thing is, she's been my first option before too; she's been my first option so many times in my life, it makes the Boy Meets World Cory and Topanga, or Scrubs  JD and Elliot, look like a sitcom version of my life. And yet, I am not hers.

I am sick of a never ending struggle to fail. I am sick of the heart ache, and the effort, and the toiling, just to find someone that I can love, and take care of. It shouldn't be this hard. 7+ billion people in the world, and I can't seem to find one that really just thinks I can be what they need to be happy? Seriously? It's that difficult? I always wondered why my Grandpa never got remarried. He was a handsome, successful, well established, nice, intelligent guy. So, after he and my Grandma split, why didn't he remarry? And in a lot of ways, I feel like the answers he probably came to, are the answers I am beginning to come to myself. It's not worth it. People will let you down.  No matter how much you give, no matter how much you love, no matter at what point you're at with someone, eventually they let you down, or you let yourself down, or you just realize; you're not what they want. I think he thought, "You know what? It's not worth it." The grind just to have the bomb detonate isn't  worth it.

I don't have a hard time getting women, don't think that's the issue. I'm a good looking guy, with a good body, a great job, etc. It's rare I go to a party and can't find someone that would be a potential candidate to take home that night, but it's extremely rare to find someone that I want to be with in a long term capacity, and put their needs at the top of my priority list, and have them want that as well.

I know this is a pity post. I know it's a tirade on love and a bitch post about poor Steven's mundane turmoil, but it's also MY mind, and my pain, and my thoughts, and really, if I don't get it out somehow, then I just get to keep it in and internalize it, and at least in one respect, I have a release.

Quite the week...

Quite the week…

Well this has been quite the week to say the least, and not in a good way. Why does it seem like bad things always seem to come in fistfuls? It’s like some giant masturbating bad events finally lets loose and climaxes his bad week load all over your face. It’s not that I don’t expect bad things to happen, bad things happen to everyone. I just don’t know why it has to be an all or nothing sort of thing. It has to be all good, or all bad, it can’t just be a situation where we’re level and even keel with the ups and downs balancing each other out on a daily, or at least weekly basis. Let’s get this started, shall we?

First off, my Grandma passed away. Now over the last few years I hadn’t been super close to her, mostly because she was my great grandma and my immediate grandma and her had been at odds. Additionally, she hadn’t been overly well, and living in Wisconsin, wasn’t travelling quite as much. All that being said, she did still mean a good deal to me. I remember going to Wisconsin for a summer when I was little and staying with her. My uncles slept in a trailer in the backyard on Great Grandma’s massive plot of land, and actually fought to let me sleep out there with them. I remember Grandma had made sure we were well stocked with treats, and I remember her buying fireworks for us since it was the 4^th of July. Another time, we were visiting my Aunt Janet (My Grandma’s sister, and one of Great Grandma’s other daughters) while Grandma was staying with her. It was my birthday, and I wasn’t necessarily happy about being away from home for it, but Grandma made me a homemade ice cream cake, with my favorite, mint chocolate chip ice cream. I’ll always remember that. I don’t know why it made such an impression, maybe because she made it with me in mind, and knowing I wasn’t happy, or maybe because I’ve rarely had anything done for me for my birthday, but it will always resonate as one of my best birthdays. She was a very remarkable lady, her and my great grandpa lived on their land in a tent while he built their house with his hands. They lived through the Great Depression and WWII. It really is sad to think that the lady who made many of my childhood belongings, like my baby blanket is gone now.

The next item contained in the massive giant load of suck, was missing my test. This might not seem like a big deal to anyone except me, but I want to start doing my actual job. My days are so mundane with nothing substantive to fill them at work. I want to start making my money too. Don’t get me wrong, 50k is nothing to smirk at, but I will be six figures, and the quicker I start, the quicker I can start making. I don’t like sitting on my butt while I know I have clients to help and investments to make.

I’ll skip to the most recent, because the next one in the chronological order will probably be what I bitch and moan about most, but if you don’t like it, don’t read my blog. Today, I spent almost $600 for new brake pads, rotors, and registration. $600 bucks is not an astronomical amount, but man, that’s still a hefty chunk of change, and at least the registration part is something I get no tangible benefit from. Not only that, but I went there during lunch, and I expected it to be a fairly quick trip, but it ended up taking me almost three hours. Luckily, no one cares if I’m gone for a long lunch, but that’s a long time to sit and wait for them to put on new brakes, plus the cost, and it all came together to put me in quite a sour demeanor.

Finally, the worst part of the week was telling the girl that I want to pursue a relationship with, that I couldn’t spend time with her, or be around her until she can figure out what she wants. Specifically, what she wants with her ex boyfriend, and me… That was seriously the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long long time, and there are a few reasons for that. A. We’ve spent virtually every waking moment, outside of school, and work, together for the past few weeks, and before she went to Hawaii on vacation. Seriously, it was a lot of time, and what’s remarkable, is that there wasn’t ever a time I wanted to take alone time, or got annoyed with her. Anyone whose spent a long time with me, has probably experienced my annoyances and then progressively aggressive attitude toward them after so long together. Not her though. I left happy to see her after work everyday. B. I didn’t want to get rid of her, I still don’t. It wasn’t nasty like when I told Whitley she had to get lost or I was going to snap her neck. It was a, “I have to cut you off, because I want us both to be happy together, and until you get this figured out, we’ll never be able to be happy.” It’s a scenario where I still want things to work out, and I still want to pursue something, but I can’t be the second option, or the option being settled for until the real want presents itself. I’ve been there, and done that, and it only creates resentment and hurt. If and when it happens, I want to do it right, and the pseudo way we were getting into, was only going to be a disservice to what we both could have and deserve eventually. So, of course, I drank a 750ML of whiskey, and passed out, and then worked out. Such are my coping mechanisms often times when these things arise. I’m still just not happy, and I know she isn’t either, but we will end up where we’re supposed to, and I still believe it’s together and in a situation that’s better than the crash course we were on before.

 So that’s been my week thus far, and I know it probably doesn’t sound terrible to a lot of you, but man is it wearing on me. It really has my mind in a terrible state, and I just can’t rationalize my emotions away yet. I’m so pissed off I really want to break shit, or punch something, but I’m also so sad, which just makes me want to do nothing and go comatose, and then I’m also super motivated, and I want to be productive. This must be what my Grandma Charlene feels like with all the voices in her head pulling her in different directions. Hope your week is better, if not, I sympathize.

Great Days!

I have had some of the most amazing past few days, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've spent the majority of my every waking moment, and many of my unconscious ones, with the most amazing and brilliant girl I know. It's kind of funny, the old adage, "It's always darkest before dawn" seems to be a proverbial truth.  Often times it seems to be the ability to endure through the rough that allows you to accept and experience the good.

I was having a conversation with Drew the other day, about sharing in the agony of defeat with the teams that you root for, being a crucial component to also sharing in the highs of victory. I've come to realize, this is a fairly global truth. In order to experience the happiness of success, you have to be willing to face the prospect of defeat. If you're not vested, if you're apathetic, then you don't care what the outcome is. For Drew, I used this analogy: If you didn't care about Alex (his girlfriend), then you wouldn't mind when she's sad, you wouldn't care when things go wrong with her parents, it wouldn't matter if she moved to Indonesia for all you'd care, but you've taken a vested interest in her. You've allowed for her to be every bit a part of your life as your family and close friends. It's because of that, that when you know she's struggling you care, you want to do something to fix it. Allowing yourself to be affected like that doesn't mean you only get that burden though, it means you also share in the gifts of happiness that are afforded to her. It's why when she succeeds, you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as well. It's why she's able to make you happy, and why she's able to make you sad.

Marriages and relationships that don't work, so often seemed to be caused by a lack of ability for one party to affect the other. When one side becomes apathetic to the happenings of the other, you lose the mutual interest in the well being of the relationship. It's no longer an equal commitment, it's suddenly a lot more pain for one person, while a lot less for another. I guess that's what makes relationships such a worthwhile pursuit. They're scary, they're fragile, they're intimidating, but they're amazing, they're unparallelled in happiness and disappointment. They cause euphoria, and crippling pain.

I still don't know what I'm in, haha, and while the confusion is often times frustrating, if I take it at the level I explained, the litmus test tells me, I feel pain when something upsets her, and I feel great satisfaction when something makes her happy, and what more really can I ask for?